Welcome to Chapter 22. I hope you enjoyed the book so far and have started applying the 7 key concepts that are forming the basic principles of the CommFlowSystem. Now that we have covered the basics of what makes communication "flow", lets drill down into some specific examples of communication challenges. The very first communication challenge I would like to tackle is the the challenge that occurs every single day: The challenge of managing our "self talk". Self talk, in other words, is the constant, automatic inner dialog that is "playing out" like a "drama in your head". If you are similar to me and the many people I have spoken to about this, then some more or less random stream of thoughts are constantly "running" in your head. It's like you have a number of radio stations that are constantly broadcasting messages, and some of these messages seem to "leak" into your conscious mind. And it is extremely hard, if not impossible to find the "mute button" on your inner "mind radio", even if you are trying to concentrate on something entirely different. For most people I have spoken to, these messages are perceived in terms of a "voice" that is talking to you. Sometimes the voice is enabling and encouraging. "This is going to be great", "I am sure they're gonna love this." NO problem there. Actually this is a good and empowering voice, and athletes, actors and other performance artists often us the positive self talk to actively change their state of mind and to prepare for a task at hand. But sometimes this inner voice is playing messaging that are distracting us, or even creating a "drama" of negative situations that can be distracting or downright debilitating. Voices telling us things like "this is not going to work", "here we go again", "I am sure they will not like what I am going to present ..." etc. Since this is such a common communication challenge for all of us, I chose this as the first situation to tackle.
Here is a couple of things I would like for you to note before we go into a technique to help you manage this using the CommFlowSystem.
(1) The fact that the mind radio is constantly playing is completely normal, everybody I spoke to so far has confirmed this and was looking for a way to manage the self talk situation.
(2) The brain has 2 basic "modes of operation". Lets call one "Focus on Now" mode, and lets call the other on "Story Telling" mode.(3) Both modes are really important and the fact that there is a constant stream of thoughts in your mind is part of the "Story Telling" mode which is essential to the ability to analyse the past to predict future situations, to plan, to evaluate options, prepare for a situation etc.
(4) Our mind is constantly and automatically switching between the 2 modes, depending on the situation. If you are solving an extremely difficult math problem in your head, the "focus on now" mode is fully engaged and the story telling mode is somewhat subdued. The same is true when you direct your attention to focus fully on your breathing. It puts your mind into "focus on now" mode, at least for a while, until the story telling starts again. When you try this, you will notice the "switch", and the better you become at noticing the switch between story telling and focus on the now, the more you will gain control over your inner mind radio.
(5) The mind cannot deal with "negations". If you are trying to say yourself "I must stop smoking, eating too much" for example, all you're doing is to conjure up the images connected to "smoking and eating". It is much more effective to avoid concepts that are directed "away from" and substitute them with concepts that related to "towards the goal of". If you use "towards" thinking, you conjure up the images of what you want to experience, as opposed of the images of what you want to avoid. If you try to think in terms of positive outcomes, if you are answering the question of "what do I want?", the mind radio will change "station".
(6) The mind-body system is a 2-way feedback system. Not only do you smile when you are happy and content, but "putting on a smile" will send messages of happiness and content back to your mind. In the same way, if you "act out" what you are trying to accomplish, for example by saying things out loud, as opposed to just thinking them, this will put you into "focus on now" mode, and calm the story telling mode. Standing up and walking around will tell your body an action-message. Sitting down will make it go into resting mode, etc. Pulling back your shoulders and straightening your back will relay a message of confidence, not only to the outside world, but you your own state of mind as well.
(7) Focus on activities and outcomes. Ask: "What can be done now?". Don't rely too much on the thinking machine to solve real world problems. Start doing, and observe how that feels. Remember that the mind can only solve problems that were created in the mind in the first place. All problems are really solved by actually doing something, and it often takes a number of steps to get something done. While decisions might be final, the results of the decision are often adjustable, especially if you start in small steps and build in feedback. The progress of thinking is in doing. The brain works best when it is fully engaged in all senses and can evaluate a situation holistically, across all senses. If you cannot do anything RIGHT NOW about whatever thing is going around in your head, try to focus on an aspect you can actually do something about RIGHT NOW. This will also put you in "focus on now" mode.
Lets get down to brass tacks and apply the CommFlowSystem to a example situation. In this example, you are preparing for an important presentation at a team meeting. You'd like collect your thoughts and prepare, but your mind radio is be stuck in a thinking loop, repeating self talk like: "This is not going to work, ...here we go again, they are not going to get this, etc." And this is making you nervous, insecure and distracts you.
To get started with the example, remember the 7 keys of the CommFlowSystem are: Community, Intent, Coherence, Clarity, Feedback, Flexibility and Influence.
Key 1: Community
As your mind is going round and round, repeating thoughts like "here we go again, this won't work" etc..
- Accept this as a normal part of your thinking process. Don't fight it. Look at your mind radio as a skill. If you are fighting your inner mind radio, you are actually fighting yourself, which means, if you are winning, you are also losing at the same time. This is a dilemma without resolution. Don't fight .. team up.
- Give the "voice" a face or personality (who is talking? Is this your own voice, a friend's, a colleague's?)
- What would some other people in your community say about this situation? What would your mentor say? What would your best friend say? What would a person like Albert Einstein say?
- What does the situation look like from the "other side", in this case, from the vantage point of the audience?
- What do you have in common with other people's views? How do you feel when someone else is doing what you are just about to do?
- Can you manage to walk a bit in the shoes of the others, experience the world model of the audience? How do you commonly feel sitting in a team meeting listening to someone "throw a pitch" at you?
- What is your community's support for the presentation? Who can help, give you feedback? Have you checked informally with the members of the team what they's like before?
-What does your self talk voice say now? How does it sound now? Has anything changed by taking a community view of the situation?
Key 2: Intent
As you go through Step 1 and become more familiar with the face/personalities associated with your inner voice, can you think of the intention that your voice is trying to convey. How it is trying to help the situation? Your inner voice might really want to say "please remember this fact ..., can you watch out for that ..., why not listen again to the advice given to you by X or Y ...?" Try to accept that any behavior, even your inner drama, always has an intended outcome, i.e. the intention to achieve something. Treat it as such. This will also help you focus your mind on your task at hand. What is the intention that you have for the challenge at hand? What can be done about that RIGHT NOW, what needs to be done next? Once you shift your attention to the intended outcome, apply the following checklist:
- Imagine the positive outcome of what you are trying to accomplish.
- Can you hear it, visualize it, feel it, touch it? Spend some thoughts/mindshare on that.
- How would you know that the intended outcome has really been accomplished?
- What would be said, written, felt about that?
Key 3: Coherence
As you go through steps 1 and 2, begin looking at how you are communicating with yourself at this point in time. Are you sitting with your shoulders hanging down? Do you have a frown on your brow? Are you smiling? Is your head up? Are your shoulders pulled back? As you speak some of the thoughts out aloud, does this sound confident? As you become aware of all aspects of your self-communication, try to act out (if you have the privacy, of course) what it would be like to achieve the positive outcome of the communication. How would you enter the situation, what would you wear, what would you actually do. The goal of this step is to move from the pure thinking side of the self talk into a more "doing" mode and in so doing, shift from story telling to "focus on now" mode.
Key 4 Clarity
As you might remember from previous chapters, the main secret behind the perception of clarity is the answer to the question "what's in it for me, whats in it for them?".Try to approach your self talk from that perspective as well. Treat your thought pattern as if they were trying to add value to your task at hand. For example, any type of "pushing things out" (procrastination) sends a message that you don't want to do the task / work. What are you really getting out of that? What's in it for you or others if you don't do something now? Can you allow yourself to do something else, something that rewards you, and then you do a bit of the task you want to do? What about the negative, self-deprecating thoughts that might be going around your head? Are these thoughts maybe helping you to prepare you for criticism from others? Can it be, that by playing out a potentially negative outcome in your mind is intended to "soften the blow" of harsh words that might be spoken? Preparatory thoughts of risk and failure can actually make you more prepared. Constant self criticism can actually be "fishing for compliments", but its also a key to learning and becoming better. Many experts have only become experts because they have made a lot of mistakes, analysed them, and learned from them. If it is truly "fishing for compliments" become clear as to whose compliments are your looking for. Have you asked them recently about their opinion about you? Give it a try. Reality is a great cure against illusions. In short, think about how your "inner drama" is actually a positive thing that is trying to get you to a better place. Then keep amplifying your focus on the positive outcome of the communication you are planning for. Try to accept that fact that any communication will have some result, no matter what. We cannot NOT communicate, and that, no matter the outcome, you will get some feedback. And feedback is a good thing. So, in the case, you get feedback. In the worst case, you get feedback. Which brings me to the next point.
Key 5: Feedback
As you go though keys 1 to 4 (remember these are not necessarily sequential but can happen at the same time, or out of sequence), try to focus on the question "how many different kinds of feedback can I obtain?". Whatever it is you are trying to achieve that your mind is establishing a "inner drama" about, remember that the map is not the territory. There is no substitute for the "real thing" of going out there, and trying it out. Keep an open mind on what you see, hear, feel. Ask for feedback, verbal or written. Prepare to take the feedback as is. Try to not take it personally (which I know is unbelievably hard). Try to see feedback as something purely related to the communication you have attempted. Try to write down how exactly you will obtain feedback on the communication. Remember that the meaning of any communication is only and always in the feedback you receive.
Key 6: Flexibility
By now, in preparation of your communication task (going though keys 1 -5) you should be well under way to move from the "inner drama" and "self talk" to a more goal-oriented "focus on now" mode, where you are actually thinking about what you want to accomplish, how you would know that you have accomplished it and what feedback you might obtain. The next aspect/key is to look into what flexibility you can bring into the communications situation. What if feedback A or B is received, how can you respond? Are there more options on how to communicate? What have you done in the past? What have others done in a similar situation?
Key 7: Influence
As you might remember from the previous chapters, "everybody is selling all the time". So, at this point, ask yourself if you are clear about what you are "selling". What is the influence you trying to exert on the other party? And, of course, how are they most likely trying to influence you? Will they be friendly, neutral or aggressive? How might you respond in either case? Do you have a good value proposition prepared for what you are about to present? Is it a value proposition that relates to the world model and objectives of the other person? Do you have any proof points on why your proposal, idea or approach is worth considering? Can you bring in examples on why something like this has happened before, or how other people are actually doing the same thing. What would the audience say to that? Are the examples relevant to them? Are the people you are using as "references" people that are acknowledged as authorities on the subject matter? Have you thought about how you can respond to any objections? What questions can you ask to clarify about the intention of the objection? If the objections are strong and compelling, have you decided on what points you are you willing to yield? Where are you going to stake your claim and and hold your ground? Are you actually prepared to stop the discussion and "walk out" if the pressure to yield becomes to strong. etc.
(Keep looping 1 -7 as needed)
How has this changed the self talk? It usually works like a charm for me, and I hope it does for you, too. Of course I am aware that this is not a miracle cure for every situation. And there will be situation, especially when you are under extreme stress, where the mind radio can be playing at an overwhelmingly loud level. But thank goodness, most of us are not under stress constantly 24 hours a day, 365 day. There are always moment, minutes, even hours, where things are actually quiet, where we can actually listen to the inner voice, the inner drama, and start going through a CommFlowSystem exercise to understand what it is trying to do and use that to our advantage. Remember this is not a "one off" method. It is something, like physical fitness that requires constant renewal. In contrast to physical fitness however, the fitness studio is in your head and you can go work out any time you want, and it is free!
Summary
I hope that the above example has shown you a number of things about the communication challenge I called Managing Self Talk, or "Dealing the drama in your head"
(A) It is a normal thing, it is a good thing to have self talk going on. Use it to your advantage
(B) By accepting self talk as a normal part of a process, and by looking at the positive intention of the self talk or drama, it can actually add value to the preparation for the communication task at hand
(C) The 7 keys of the CommFlowSystem can be used as a process to move from a "thinking and story telling" mode, into a goal and outcome oriented mode. You will find this in any communications challenge you apply the 7 keys to.
Give it a try. I am looking forward to your feedback and questions
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