Chapter 22: Managing Self-Talk or "Dealing with the drama in your head"

Welcome to Chapter 22. I hope you enjoyed the book so far and have started applying the 7 key concepts that are forming the basic principles of the CommFlowSystem. Now that we have covered the basics of what makes communication "flow", lets drill down into some specific examples of communication challenges. The very first communication challenge I would like to tackle is the the challenge that occurs every single day: The challenge of managing our "self talk". Self talk, in other words, is the constant, automatic inner dialog that is "playing out" like a "drama in your head". If you are similar to me and the many people I have spoken to about this, then some more or less random stream of thoughts are constantly "running" in your head. It's like you have a number of radio stations that are constantly broadcasting messages, and some of these messages seem to "leak" into your conscious mind. And it is extremely hard, if not impossible to find the "mute button" on your inner "mind radio", even if you are trying to concentrate on something entirely different.  For most people I have spoken to, these messages are perceived in terms of a "voice" that is talking to you. Sometimes the voice is enabling and encouraging. "This is going to be great", "I am sure they're gonna love this." NO problem there. Actually this is a good and empowering voice, and athletes, actors and other performance artists often us the positive self talk to actively change their state of mind and to prepare for a task at hand. But sometimes this inner voice is playing messaging that are distracting us, or even creating a "drama" of negative situations that can be distracting or downright debilitating. Voices telling us things like "this is not going to work", "here we go again", "I am sure they will not like what I am going to present ..." etc. Since this is such a common communication challenge for all of us, I chose this as the first situation to tackle.

Here is a couple of things I would like for you to note before we go into a technique to help you manage this using the CommFlowSystem.

(1) The fact that the mind radio is constantly playing is completely normal, everybody I spoke to so far has confirmed this and was looking for a way to manage the self talk situation.

(2)  The brain has 2 basic "modes of operation". Lets call one "Focus on Now" mode, and lets call the other on "Story Telling" mode.
(3) Both modes are really important and the fact that there is a constant stream of thoughts in your mind is part of the "Story Telling" mode which is essential to the ability to analyse the past to predict future situations, to plan, to evaluate options, prepare for a situation etc.
(4) Our mind is constantly and automatically switching between the 2 modes, depending on the situation. If you are solving an extremely difficult math problem in your head, the "focus on now" mode is fully engaged and the story telling mode is somewhat subdued. The same is true when you direct your attention to focus fully on your breathing. It puts your mind into "focus on now" mode, at least for a while, until the story telling starts again. When you try this, you will notice the "switch", and the better you become at noticing the switch between story telling and focus on the now, the more you will gain control over your inner mind radio.
(5) The mind cannot deal with "negations".  If you are trying to say yourself  "I must stop smoking, eating too much" for example, all you're doing is to conjure up the images connected to "smoking and eating". It is much more effective to avoid concepts that are directed "away from" and substitute them with concepts that related to "towards the goal of". If you use "towards" thinking, you conjure up the images of what you want to experience, as opposed of the images of what you want to avoid. If you try to think in terms of positive outcomes, if you are answering the question of  "what do I want?", the mind radio will change "station".
(6) The mind-body system is a 2-way feedback system. Not only do you smile when you are happy and content, but "putting on a smile" will send messages of happiness and content back to your mind. In the same way, if you "act out" what you are trying to accomplish, for example by saying things out loud, as opposed to just thinking them, this will put you into "focus on now" mode, and calm the story telling mode. Standing up and walking around will tell your body an action-message. Sitting down will make it go into resting mode, etc. Pulling back your shoulders and straightening your back will relay a message of confidence, not only to the outside world, but you your own state of mind as well.
(7) Focus on activities and outcomes. Ask: "What can be done now?". Don't rely too much on the thinking machine to solve real world problems. Start doing, and observe how that feels. Remember that the mind can only solve problems that were created in the mind in the first place. All problems are really solved by actually doing something, and it often takes a number of steps to get something done. While decisions might be final, the results of the decision are often adjustable, especially if you start in small steps and build in feedback. The progress of thinking is in doing. The brain works best when it is fully engaged in all senses and can evaluate a situation holistically, across all senses. If you cannot do anything RIGHT NOW about whatever thing is going around in your head, try to focus on an aspect you can actually do something about RIGHT NOW. This will also put you in "focus on now" mode.

Lets get down to brass tacks and apply the CommFlowSystem to a example situation. In this example, you are preparing for an important presentation at a team meeting. You'd like collect your thoughts and prepare, but your mind radio is be stuck in a thinking loop, repeating self talk like: "This is not going to work, ...here we go again, they are not going to get this, etc." And this is making you nervous, insecure and distracts you.

To get started with the example, remember the 7 keys of the CommFlowSystem are: Community, Intent, Coherence, Clarity, Feedback, Flexibility and Influence.

Key 1: Community
As your mind is going round and round, repeating thoughts like "here we go again, this won't work" etc..
- Accept this as a normal part of your thinking process. Don't fight it. Look at your mind radio as a skill. If you are fighting your inner mind radio, you are actually fighting yourself, which means, if you are winning, you are also losing at the same time. This is a dilemma without resolution. Don't fight .. team up.
- Give the "voice" a face or personality (who is talking? Is this your own voice, a friend's, a colleague's?)
- What would some other people in your community say about this situation? What would your mentor say? What would your best friend say? What would a person like Albert Einstein say?
- What does the situation look like from the "other side", in this case, from the vantage point of the audience?
- What do you have in common with other people's views? How do you feel when someone else is doing what you are just about to do?
- Can you manage to walk a bit in the shoes of the others, experience the world model of the audience? How do you commonly feel sitting in a team meeting listening to someone "throw a pitch" at you?
- What is your community's support for the presentation? Who can help, give you feedback? Have you checked informally with the members of the team what they's like before?
-What does your self talk voice say now? How does it sound now? Has anything changed by taking a community view of the situation?

Key 2: Intent
As you go through Step 1 and become more familiar with the face/personalities associated with your inner voice, can you think of the intention that your voice is trying to convey. How it is trying to help the situation? Your inner voice might really want to say "please remember this fact ..., can you watch out for that ..., why not listen again to the advice given to you by X or Y ...?" Try to accept that any behavior, even your inner drama, always has an intended outcome, i.e. the intention to achieve something. Treat it as such. This will also help you focus your mind on your task at hand. What is the intention that you have for the challenge at hand? What can be done about that RIGHT NOW, what needs to be done next? Once you shift your attention to the intended outcome, apply the following checklist:
- Imagine the positive outcome of what you are trying to accomplish.
- Can you hear it, visualize it, feel it, touch it? Spend some thoughts/mindshare on that.
- How would you know that the intended outcome has really been accomplished?
- What would be said, written, felt about that?

Key 3: Coherence
As you go through steps 1 and 2, begin looking at how you are communicating with yourself at this point in time. Are you sitting with your shoulders hanging down? Do you have a frown on your brow? Are you smiling? Is your head up? Are your shoulders pulled back? As you speak some of the thoughts out aloud, does this sound confident? As you become aware of all aspects of your self-communication, try to act out (if you have the privacy, of course) what it would be like to achieve the positive outcome of the communication. How would you enter the situation, what would you wear, what would you actually do. The goal of this step is to move from the pure thinking side of the self talk into a more "doing" mode and in so doing, shift from story telling to "focus on now" mode.

Key 4 Clarity
As you might remember from previous chapters, the main secret behind the perception of clarity is the answer to the question "what's in it for me, whats in it for them?".Try to approach your self talk from that perspective as well. Treat your thought pattern as if they were trying to add value to your task at hand. For example, any type of "pushing things out" (procrastination) sends a message that you don't want to do the task / work. What are you really getting out of that? What's in it for you or others if you don't do something now? Can you allow yourself to do something else, something that rewards you, and then you do a bit of the task you want to do?  What about the negative, self-deprecating thoughts that might be going around your head? Are these thoughts maybe helping you to prepare you for criticism from others? Can it be, that by playing out a potentially negative outcome in your mind is intended to "soften the blow" of harsh words that might be spoken? Preparatory thoughts of risk and failure can actually make you more prepared. Constant self criticism can actually be "fishing for compliments", but its also a key to learning and becoming better. Many experts have only become experts because they have made a lot of mistakes, analysed them, and learned from them. If it is truly "fishing for compliments" become clear as to whose compliments are your looking for. Have you asked them recently about their opinion about you? Give it a try. Reality is a great cure against illusions. In short, think about how your "inner drama" is actually a positive thing that is trying to get you to a better place. Then keep amplifying your focus on the positive outcome of the communication you are planning for. Try to accept that fact that any communication will have some result, no matter what.  We cannot NOT communicate, and that, no matter the outcome, you will get some feedback. And feedback is a good thing. So, in the case, you get feedback. In the worst case, you get feedback. Which brings me to the next point.

Key 5: Feedback
As you go though keys 1 to 4 (remember these are not necessarily sequential but can happen at the same time, or out of sequence), try to focus on the question "how many different kinds of feedback can I obtain?". Whatever it is you are trying to achieve that your mind is establishing a "inner drama" about, remember that the map is not the territory.  There is no substitute for the "real thing" of going out there, and trying it out. Keep an open mind on what you see, hear, feel. Ask for feedback, verbal or written. Prepare to take the feedback as is. Try to not take it personally (which I know is unbelievably hard). Try to see feedback as something purely related to the communication you have attempted. Try to write down how exactly you will obtain feedback on the communication. Remember that the meaning of any communication is only and always in the feedback you receive.

Key 6: Flexibility
By now, in preparation of your communication task (going though keys 1 -5) you should be well under way to move from the "inner drama" and "self talk" to a more goal-oriented "focus on now" mode, where you are actually thinking about what you want to accomplish, how you would know that you have accomplished it and what feedback you might obtain. The next aspect/key is to look into what flexibility you can bring into the communications situation. What if feedback A or B is received, how can you respond? Are there more options on how to communicate? What have you done in the past? What have others done in a similar situation?

Key 7: Influence
As you might remember from the previous chapters, "everybody is selling all the time". So, at this point, ask yourself if you are clear about what you are "selling". What is the influence you trying to exert on the other party? And, of course, how are they most likely trying to influence you? Will they be friendly, neutral or aggressive? How might you respond in either case? Do you have a good value proposition prepared for what you are about to present? Is it a value proposition that relates to the world model and objectives of the other person?  Do you have any proof points on why your proposal, idea or approach is worth considering? Can you bring in examples on why something like this has happened before, or how other people are actually doing the same thing. What would the audience say to that? Are the examples relevant to them? Are the people you are using as "references" people that are acknowledged as authorities on the subject matter? Have you thought about how you can respond to any objections?  What questions can you ask to clarify about the intention of the objection? If the objections are strong and compelling, have you decided on what points you are you willing to yield? Where are you going to stake your claim and and hold your ground?  Are you actually prepared to stop the discussion and "walk out" if the pressure to yield becomes to strong. etc.

(Keep looping 1 -7 as needed)

How has this changed the self talk? It usually works like a charm for me, and I hope it does for you, too. Of course I am aware that this is not a miracle cure for every situation. And there will be situation, especially when you are under extreme stress, where the mind radio can be playing at an overwhelmingly loud level. But thank goodness, most of us are not under stress constantly 24 hours a day, 365 day. There are always moment, minutes, even hours, where things are actually quiet, where we can actually listen to the inner voice, the inner drama, and start going through a CommFlowSystem exercise to understand what it is trying to do and use that to our advantage. Remember this is not a "one off" method. It is something, like physical fitness that requires constant renewal. In contrast to physical fitness however, the fitness studio is in your head and you can go work out any time you want, and it is free!

Summary

I hope that the above example has shown you a number of things about the communication challenge I called Managing Self Talk, or "Dealing the drama in your head"

(A) It is a normal thing, it is a good thing to have self talk going on. Use it to your advantage
(B) By accepting self talk as a normal part of a process, and by looking at the positive intention of the self talk or drama, it can actually add value to the preparation for the communication task at hand
(C) The 7 keys of the CommFlowSystem can be used as a process to move from a "thinking and story telling" mode, into a goal and outcome oriented mode. You will find this in any communications challenge you apply the 7 keys to.

Give it a try. I am looking forward to your feedback and questions

Chapter 21: Culture Basics

When doing research about communications, one cannot help but come across the concept of  "culture" as a key factor in determining communication effectiveness. Everyone I speak to seems to agree that culture is important, but very few people I met can define "what culture is" in a few sentences. The explanations are either to complex, or the explanation is too simplistic. And usually the explanation does not offer any practical advice on how to use an understanding of culture to achieve excellence in communications. This chapter is an attempt to give you enough understanding about culture(s) so you can use it in your daily practice.

For purposes of this blog, lets use the following simplified definition of "Culture"
A Culture is the set of rules, values and guidelines that drives the behavior of a group


While this might seem overly simplistic, I feel this definition is sufficiently rich to allow us to develop tips and guidelines for achieving communications excellence. If you want to understand culture, you need to understand groups. If you want to understand groups, you need to understand people. If you want to understand people, you need to understand the brain. If you want to understand the brain, you need to understand that the brain is a rule making engine that is looking to minimize pain and risk, and maximize pleasure and reward. Cultures store these rules at the level of a group, but are based on the same underlying principles driving the behavior of the individual.

When you are reading about culture, you will find all kinds of deep concepts to differentiate the various cultures. There is Western vs. Asian culture, there is Southern vs. Northern culture, there is high-context vs. low context culture, there are mono-chronic vs. poly-chronic cultures etc. I will not even try to begin to describe these as there is ample literature out there you can seek out and dig into the this very interesting subject. Instead, I will offer a framework that lets you understand what makes these cultures fundamentally different and how you can prepare for the cultural differences in the preparation of your next communication.

All human behavior, as well as the behavior of groups, is based on the evolved structure of the brain. Therefore all culture can be basically related to the brain's drive to maximize security and certainty, status, pleasure and power. If we "buy into" this assumption, we can then differentiate 2 basic cultural strategies for achieving these objectives at the group level. These 2 cultural strategies determine the fundamental differences between the different cultures we encounter. Strategy 1 relies on explicit rules, we can refer to these cultures as A-Type cultures. Strategy 2 relies on relationships, we can refer to these cultures as B-Type cultures.

Let's explore this a bit further.  In a A-type culture that relies on explicit rules, things are well documented, there are a lot of signs for everything, instructions how to do stuff, as well as openly available and well described processes. In addition, the culture generally heavily relies on the laws and regulations to govern the behavior of the group. Authority is placed in the "system". Individuals are autonomous and self-determining. Relationships, while important, are not valued above the results achieved by adherence to the rules.  While there there are specific and deep variations, especially in the approach towards relationships, the western cultures including Germans, US-Americans, British, Swiss, etc. are A-Type cultures. You can clearly see if you are in a A-Type culture by observing how many signs you see on the street,  how many regulations you are typically subjected to, and how detailed the contract requirements are for doing business. A-type cultures usually don't expect any rules to change based on who you are, or what your social status is. When there is a breach of conduct, the A-Type culture, true to its bias to rules, will expect the "system" to take care of the offense.

The B-Type culture is quite different. Of course, in a B-Type culture there are as many rules as in the A-type culture: These rules, however, are implicit or hidden. They are not posted on streets, or written down and handed out to foreigners. The rules and guidelines are carried by the social context, individual and group status, heritage, family association and by the the depth of the relationships of the participants of the culture. Individuals are considered in the broader context of loyalty and adherence to the standards of the the community: family first, then village, firm, region, leader, nation etc.  Business is done based on trust in the relationship, rather than based on formal contracts. An informal handshake is enough to seal the deal. Consensus is important. The integrity of hierarchies, the implicit respect for superiors, elders, ancestors, or persons of authority is paramount. It is key to avoid "loss of face" of superiors and subordinates at all times. China, Japan and Korea come to mind, when thinking about B-Type cultures.

Like I said before. This is a gross simplification, but it can help you build out your sensitivity towards understanding why certain communication styles simply don't work in certain cultures. An A-type manager that is looking for eye contact and "direct feedback" from a B-Type culture audience will be disappointed. The B-type will avoid eye contact and direct feedback to not embarrass the other. Mass marketing will not work well in B-type cultures for certain products. Instead, one needs to market through referrals based on existing relationships, as well as family and group ties. While using a loud voice is considered a sign of strength and authority in the A-type cultures (the individual is autonomous), shouting is considered as loss of control in a B-type culture (the individual represents the community). The Japanese consensus building practice of "namawashi", (derived from  "going around the roots" when preparing a tree for transport) is a typical example of B-Type culture group and relationship based process that can drive a western A-type to near desperation when trying to drive for fast results based on a contract.

So. How can we use this in our daily communication practice? Here is a few points to consider:

- Cultural divides do not just exist across geographies. Cultures can differ for each group, or company, or even at the individual level. My culture can be vastly different than yours, even in the same country, company and group.
- There is no good or bad. A-types are not better or worse than B-types, they are just different. But just like blood types they don't mix very well, one has to decide which approach to use to achieve understanding and agreement.
- Try to use keen observation of a culture that you are dealing with, or you are part of. Is the culture more based on explicit rules and regulations, or more based on the depth of the relationships and the social context?
- Try to remember the definition of culture: Culture is the set of rules, values and guidelines that drive the behavior of the group. If you try to understand culture, try to gain access to these rules and values.
- Cultures are hard to change. The more implicit the rules and regulations are, the more embedded the culture is. In A-Type cultures, which are driven by explicit rules, this seems easier to achieve than in B-Type cultures, but its still hard, especially when it comes to value systems.

Chapter 20: The 20-minute body language survival guide

We have probably all heard or read about it. Body Language. Our bodies send out messages to our audience before we have even spoken a single word. In certain situations, body language along with tone of voice can convey more meaning than the words actually used. Substantially more. So, yes, we have heard about it, but, honestly, do we always respect this when we enter into a communication? I thought it would be a useful thing to summarize the top 10 situations where body language plays a key role. By going back and relating to these 10 standard situations you can create your own personal "survival guide" that you can peruse ever to often to bring your knowledge back up to speed. Note that I will not use any pictures in this chapter. Instead I will rely on your own observations and individual awareness of body language. This is a much more powerful technique as body language is highly culture dependent, and unless you are a true expert, you can actually do more harm than good with generalizations. As a matter of fact a picture showing a "power" gesture in one language could mean the opposite in another culture. Another example is "eye contact". While in the western culture this can mean interest and attention, in some other cultures it can be considered disrespectful and in some cultures is to be avoided. So, please be careful in your interpretation of body language across cultures, you might be really really wrong. In most situations though, the cues received are fairly consistent, especially when they denote agreement or disagreement. In general the approach I am using is not completely unrelated to a technique taught in theater and acting schools called "Method Acting". Essentially, in method acting the acting students are asked to actively recall the emotional context of a situation they experienced personally (something happy, something sad, an agression, a shock .. ). This active recollection then serves them to elicit the emotional state, facial expressions, gestures, body posture, tone of voice and actual language modifications they will use in a stage performance. We can use the same technique to both prepare and analyze communication situations.

The chapter  is structured along the following 10 very typical communication situations both from an initiating and from a responding perspective: (1) entrance, (2) introduction, (3) informal conversation, (4) topic presentation, (5) discussion, (6) debate, (7) conflict, (8) de-escalation, (9) feedback (10) exit

1. Entrance
Imagine, or better, remember, a situation where you are sitting at a conference table in a large meeting room. The meeting is in progress and a person enters the room. You actually have no context as to who the person is but are performing instant judgement on the person based on their timing and mode of entry. Now that you have this situation in active consciousness, what can you decide about your next entry into a situation. Think about the timing of your entry. Are you keeping your head up or down as you walk to the table? Do you walk quickly or are you hesitating at the door? Are you making eye contact with everyone in the room as you enter? There is no "right" or "wrong" here, as the situations can vary strongly based on the level of community you have with the folks in the room. Just develop an awareness of your "stage entrance" and keep coming back to this survival guide.

2. Introduction
Similar to situation number 1, try to remember a situation about when someone introduced themselves to you. What did you like or dislike about the situation? Did they respect your status in the situation? Did they seem distracted or focus on you and the process of introduction? Was there a hand shake? What do you remember about it? Try to use this information your have now "front of mind" to plan for your next introduction to someone.

3. Informal Conversation
By now you should have "groked" the process I am using. As you recall a pleasant, informal conversation of the recent past, ask yourself the following questions. What made this conversation so pleasant? Where did the other person sit or stand relative to you? Did they respect your personal space? Did they show genuine interest in what you had to say by keeping an open posture relative to you or did their eyes and head "wander". Did they turn their bodies at an angle to you? What were the signs that they actually where following what you were saying? A nod? A smile at the right moment. A frown as you relate something that worried you. As you become aware of this, you might even notive the about 1 in 100 people that are actually "reading your lips" as you speak, sometimes even silently "re-speaking" what you are saying. An interesting effect to observe. As you plan for making a good impression the next time you have an informal conversation, remember these insights. This will also help you raise your awareness of your "gut feeling" relative to these kind of situations.

4. Topic Presentation
"Rinse and repeat" the above process. In the case of topic presentations you will notice that attention is held and information is held more efficiently if the presenter makes eye contact with the audience. If you have the ability to move on a stage, restless pacing will convey insecurity, while a purposeful use of the space available will convey "mastery" of the situation. Always pick a person in the audience you are presenting to "personally" in that moment, for a moment. As they acknowledge that they are listening to you, make eye contact, and pick another person in the room. Pick, acknowledge, shift, move, pick, shift, move. It will do miracles to the perception of your prowess as a presenter.

5. Discussion
As you get better in this process, we can move through the topics more rapidly. In a discussion, ensure that you keep an open stance to the person presenting their point of view. Watch for arms crossed in front of the chest, or crossed behind the neck or head. These are not "open" gestures,  neither is a fist. Lean forward, or stay neutral, leaning back in your seat signals reservation. To stay an signal an open stance, focus on the person that is making a point. If you are trying to form an alliance, focus on the reaction of the person that you are trying to form an alliance with. Everyone in the room will notice this subconsciously and realize there is an alliance between you and the person you are focusing on.

6. Debate
Sometimes discussions can evolve into debates when positions are presented and defended. Recall a recent debate. Did you watch out for the body language of the people that were in favor or against a certain position. What do you want to convey with your body language. How do you do that?

7. Conflict
Open conflict is easy to spot. Voices are raised. Skin tone is flushed, breathing is agitated, movements are faster. Fists are formed. Arms are crossed. Eyes are darting nervously or shooting "death rays". It is much more difficult to spot the hidden conflict. Once you become more attuned to your own body language in a conflict, you will have an easier time to spot the tell tale signs such as avoidance of eye contact. Remember next time if you are in a conflict situation to make some notes about what you noted in the situation. Discuss with your coach/mentor/advisor.

8. De-Escalation
If you need to de-escalate a communication situation quickly, there is no better tool than to physically step back and to raise both hands with a show of open palms, and silence. Remember that our reptile brain takes over in conflicts and logic and rational thought is suspended for the time being. The reptile brain will, however, respond automatically and intuititvely to respect of status (step back, silence, lower your head), increase of certainty (open palms, no aggression in sight) increase of autonomy (silence, no shouting match). Once these three factors are de-escalated from a threat status to "neutral", relationship and fairness factors can come into play again. Remember SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness). Note: this will probably not help in a situation where there is a threat of physical violence. The best advice here is to exit.

9. Feedback
Back to our technique.  Remember a situation where someone has given you feedback in a way you were able to accept and appreciate. What was the setup? Did they leave you enough personal space? How did your SCARF evaluation go? Try to use this information as you plan your next situation where you are trying to give feedback to someone. Avoid aggressive or debate overtones and stance. Match their posture and stance of the other person to build rapport and ease tension. Deliver the feedback leaning forward (interest in the other person), and then go back to neutral to get feedback on your feedback. On the converse, when you are asking for feedback, be truly open to actually get feedback, not just praise. Watch for any of your telltale signs of disappointment if the feedback is not as expected. Obvious disappointment in your face and posture will subconsciously "shut down" the other persons flow of feedback. Now they will not give you honest feedback but a "sugar coated" message, which will not help you grow. So if you want feedback, prepare to "take it as it comes".

10. Exit
We all have heard the adage: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression". That might be true. But your exit from a situation is a perfect chance to "destroy" a good impression, or to repair a bad initial impression. Your exit from a situation or meeting can be as important as your arrival. Take time for your exit, don't rush out. Be sure to thank the host, collect your belongings without hurry, make a commitment to follow up, bid farewell to the remaining attendess (a short nod can do) and exit with purpose.

I hope the above structure will help you raise your awareness of body language in your daily interactions. As an exercise, start with situation number 1 this week and make a conscious point of planning and observing the "entrance" situation and see what you can derive from it. If this subject has intrigued you, you can take any of the 100's of classes or trainings available on body language. At the end of the day, if your awareness is not "up" these trainings will do you no good. So, work on your "up time", and you will see results quickly.

Chapter 19: Some key things to know about the science of communication & the brain

I do not intend to turn the CommFlowSystem into a scientifically robust methodology. Quite the contrary. The system should be firmly rooted in pragmatism and best practices. The system should work in real life, and it is not always required to know how something works, as long as it works. Interpersonal communication is not an exact science. Having said this, however, I still deemed it useful to dedicate a chapter to some interesting facts about communication that might come in handy in a conversation.

The following key aspects I found most fascinating in my research about communication. I am sure there are many more, and I look forward to your feedback.

The importance of non verbal communication
Studies have shown that in personal, specifically in emotionally charged conversations, the impact of the words used are as low as 10% of the total "message". Body language (50%) and Tone of Voice (40%) make up the bulk of the message.This is compounded by cross-cultural effects when you are speaking in a foreign language. We do this intuitively when we speak to babies or pets, using mostly body language, facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice. This is also an interesting conversation when you "tune in" on some small talk. Even if you are not close enough to make out details, or if the small talk is in a language you don't understand, you can get the drift of the communication.  Think about this the next time you are in a one-on-one situation, or when you chose a medium to transport your message. There are, of course messages that need no body language or tone of voice to be effective. This relates back to the "Clarity" gate of understanding and agreement. If you add the Consequences of an action or inaction to a message, the message gets understood quite easily.

The importance of communication preferences
People prefer a certain style of communication. Some people are very visual, and you can discover that preference by analyzing the language and media they typically use. They will prefer words that relate to the ability to see or visualize, and they will like to refer to the “big picture”. Other folks are more auditory, and they will reveal their world model by referring to thinking, discussing, analyzing words, facts and knowledge. Other folks, however, are more kinesthetic, referring to a model where the prefer to "get in touch", experience something, especially when its connected to their community. Like I said before, there is no magic here, but once you acknowledge the fact that people are different, and that they need different "portals" to their way of understanding, your flexibility will increase, as will your ability to communicate and reach understanding and agreement.

The importance of the brain as a "filter" and as a story teller
When we communicate, we mostly assume that the audience "receives" the information in the same way we would receive the information. This is a massive error. The brain filters out about 99% of all sensory information generated by the body, be it visual, auditory or kinesthetic. In other words, only 1% of what is being received actually makes it into conscious awareness or memory for that matter. This is the reason why it is completely impossibe to tickle yourself. The brain anticipates. In addition, the brain constantly fills in the missing gaps based on memory, plausibility and experience based predictions. While the conscious brain only actively deals with 1% of the information received from the "outside", it always strives to provide a full experience. It is pretty much constantly engaged in "story telling". That is the reason why even a small stimulus can trigger a complete memory episode, why a single word can lead to a strong agressive or positive response and why we usually cannot completely agree on a lot of things. 99% of whats in our mind is GENERATED by our mind, and that process can create results that range from the somewhat fuzzy to the outrageously wrong. Keep this in mind as you progress on your journey towards communications excellence. This is the reason I chose "community" as the first key to understanding and agreement. Once we know the world model of our audience, we can fine tune our messages and our media to ensure our message can be part of the 1% received, and that the brain of the recipient tells the story in a way we intend the story to be told.

The importance of constant, automatic, instant evaluation, judgement and retrieval
The brain is a highly evolved system that helps us deliver responses that increase our chances of survival and that enhance individual and community progress. It does this partially by constantly, automatically and instinctively evaluating all situations as either positive (increasing status, certainty, autononomy, power, pleasure etc.) or as negative. But it is important to note, however, that these evaluations as either "positive" or "negative" are highly personal, and situational, and can change in an instant based on the individual's context. In other words, what is good in one situation or context, can be detrimental in the next, and the brain will decide in an near-instant, instinctive, non-thinking way. Often the decision for fight or flight is made by the older, deeper regions of our brain before we even consciously aware that a challenge or opportunity. Chemicals are released, resources and attention are shifted, and the body is geared up for a response at a subconscious level way ahead of our conscious awareness. We need to respect this in our communication. The rational part of the brain that we are so often appealing to is highly overrated, and can easily be overwhelmed by the instinctive and emotional parts of the brain. You can remember this by the sentence "Logic is King, but Emotions are King Kong". This is what we refer to as "gut feeling", i.e. our whole body has already evaluated a situation and communicates an overall "gut reaction" while we are still pondering about the positives or negatives of the situation or the communication. This is where "positive thinking" as an approach is also somewhat overrated. The brain responds based on our "wired-in" experience, and every experience is reflected in the wiring of the brain. If we want to change this inherent wiring,  thinking about something is often not enough. It is much better to "act" upon it, and then connect the action with a species or individual enhancing positive effect on either our status, power or pleasure. That's why a call to action is so important in any communication. It not only delivers you the feedback you need to know if your communication was effective, it also anchors thoughts, opinions and evaluations in the neural structures of the brain.

Here is another thing that is good to know. While the brain is very complex overall, most of its detailed inner workings and mechanisms are quite simplistic, and almost mechanical. The brain, for example, cannot process "negatives". If you say to someone, "Do not think about your car!" the brain cannot process the "not" and already instantly invokes a memory of your car. If you tell someone "Forget Paris", all you achieve is that they think about Paris. Any stimulus that is not filtered out (only 1%) will generate an instant response and will more or less fully invoke memories and emotions. It does not matter if the stimulus is actually an outside event, or a memory invoked by the brain itself. So, if someone is afraid of dogs, they will have an emotional response to a physical dogs that is identical to the response generated by looking at the image of a dog, or just thinking about a dog running towards you. (sorry about this example if you happen to be afraid of dogs). We have to be careful here with our preconceived notions of "positive" or "negative" imagery, examples. Also, the approach of  "thinking positively" can backfire or become a complete failure. Say you stubbed your toe against one of the legs of your kitchen table. It hurts. A lot. There is nothing postive about that. The more you think about it, the more angry you will get that you were not more carful. The same is true about some incident at work. For example you did not get that raise. Again. It hurts. There is NOTHING positive about that. You try to think positive about it, all you do is "rub in" the fact that you did not get the raise. There is more. Take childhood traumas. Someone stole your bike. Bad. It hurts, etc. Why do you want to invoke it over and over again? All you do when you try to "think positive" is recall the bad experience again, and again, and again. And the way the brain works, the more you invoke a memory, there more strong the memory gets, and the more the memory gets distorted and overloaded with your current bias. In other words, while we cannot always avoid getting angry about something, we can avoid "staying angry". If something is in the past, leave it there, learn from it, move on. That's why I am also a firm believer one should not constantly bring up bad or negative examples in our communications. All we achieve is that we invoke the negative memory in the audience, and they might associate us with that bad emotion. Now, having said all this, I do believe that the inventors of the positive thinking idea PROBABLY  had a good intention. What they probably wanted to achieve is help people focus on the now, and on positive outcomes in the future. And there is nothing wrong in my opinion about focussing on the NOW and on DESIRED OUTCOMES of future actions and activities. Whatever happens to you, accept the fact that you cannot undo the past. Focus your brain, and that of the audience on what's possible based on facts and situation at hand.

Chapter 18: The Seventh Key: Influence

After throwing a bit of light onto the first 6 keys to the gates of understanding and agreement, its now time to deal with my favorite key: The key of influence. I chose this key as the 7th key because I believe that any communication has an intent to influence the other party. The difference between each interaction, and between different people doing the communicating is if they are doing this in a conscious or in a subconscious way. For example, as I am writing this book, I am trying to influence you to start using my CommFlowSystem. That much should be pretty obvious. But when we are doing small talk at a party, are we really trying to exert any influence? Whom are we trying to persuade, or sell to at that time? Is this chit chat not just for pleasure and fun?

As I stated in the introductory chapters, I believe "everyone is selling all the time". Even at the party we are driving for attention, feedback and praise, status and acknowledgement, pleasure and power, and we use communication tools to accomplish this. And once we "buy into" this principle, it actually becomes quite a bit  easier to understand people at that level. And it becomes vastly more easy to influence and persuade people. There is no magic here. All the information you need to become a master influencer has already been given to you in the previous chapters. Surprised? Disappointed? You were looking for more beef here? Allright, I will drill down into this a bit more.

Lets use an example. Say Spouse 1 is trying to persuade Spouse 2 to change their mind about buying a new car. Spouse 2 is adamantly against buying  a new car and would rather spend the money on a trip around the world. Spouse 1, on the other hand, hates travelling, more than anything and desperately"needs" the new car to impress their buddies at the fitness club who have bet against Spouse 1 being able to pull this off against the wishes of said Spouse 2. Dilemma? Deadlock? While a bit contrived, lets see how we would use the tools introduced in the previous chapters to influence the decision of the spouse in favor of buying the car.

The initial 6 gates of understanding and agreement are:
Community - Intent - Coherence - Clarity - Feedback - Flexibility

How would we use this in this context? Lets put the CommFlowSystem into action.

Community. Find out what the 2 spouses actually can agree on. For example, if there is to be a world trip, would it have to be now or could it be a year later? Would it be by plane or by boat? What is the list of countries  one would go to? Would one go alone or try to join up with other people? Who would one visit on the way? How long would this take? What is the budget required? By initiating this discussion and by focusing on the things both spouses can agree on, resistance levels can be reduced and community can be established. Also, before deciding on the budget, the discussion if a car can be afforded is moot anyhow. This principle is also preparing to a key prerequisite for influence and persuasion. The principle of mutual gain, in other words, you have to give something to get something. The other key here is it easier to influence people if they like you. and they will like you better, not only if you are nice to them, but if you are "like" them.

Intent. Find out what the real intent of the differing proposals is. The position of Spouse 2 is "world trip". The position of spouse 1 is "car". In reality, the real intent of  spouse 2 might be "spend a large chunk of quality time together, far away from work, and village". The real intent of spouse 1 might be "prove to friends that I am in charge and can do whatever I please". By having an exploratory discussion about the motivation behind the position, one might come up with a number of options to resolve the conflict and influence the other to change their minds. Also, as in any negotiation, both parties are used to giving up a bit to get something, and as in any negotiation, the party with more options on the table has more flexibility to steer the discussion. In addition, while the brain is always looking to maximize pleasure and reward, it is also constantly looking to minimize pain, risk, and above all loss. If you are "taking away" something, you will inadvertently and immediately trigger a so called "loss aversion". This is a strong emotion and will not allow you to exert a lot of influence. One great way to avoid the loss aversion is to address it proactively. If someone is winning, someone has to lose. Factor that into your preparations.

Coherence. In this case it is important to be consistent in the line of reasoning, and not keep on changing the reasons why one has chosen the position. For example, spouse 2 could use the line of reasoning that buying the car would not jeopardize the ability to go on a long trip, and before the long trip a commitment to spending more quality time together would be "part of the deal". Credibility is also a key factor. If spouse 1 wants to influence or persuade spouse 2, it would be best to come clean about their "status" needs versus trying to sell the technical features of the desired car. The other element that plays into this is coherence with the community (Other people are doing the same thing). Or one can show consistency with previous decisions (We did the same thing last time when we bought the last car). Or one can refer to a previous commitment (But we said we were going to do this). The skinny of this is: Coherence helps build influence.

Clarity. As discussed in the previous chapter, clarity is not just about simplicity of words and concepts, but it's mostly about the uncluttered communication of the consequences of the actions, answering the questions about "what do you want?" and "whats in it for me?". In the case of the car purchase vs. the world trip, spouse 2 could use this technique to more clearly state that, once the trip is booked and committed to and budgeted for, there would be ample room to discuss the new car. On the other hand, spouse 1 could clearly state that the new car would mean at least one extended weekend per month together away from the kids, etc. Working on your value proposition is a good tool for influence, and clarity is the key to that.

Feedback. As should be clear from the context, this problem cannot be solved by taking fixed positions and then yelling the other party into compliance or submission. Stubborn refusal to listen would not solve the problem either, and both parties would be well advised to give each other feedback on the ideas generated. Feedback is a key gate to understanding and agreement.

Flexibility. In this case, flexibility in communications might relate to the way where the conversations are held. By going to the travel agent to look through catalogs, or by inviting friends who may have been on the a similar trip, spouse 2 can influence spouse 1. On the other hand, renting the car for a weekend and having spouse 2 taking a spin could influence the position quite a bit. Again, flexibility is all about acknowledging the different world model of the other party, and making sure the best tools and methods are used to get the point across. Especially in longer running relationships, the key questions of "what do I need?", "what do I observe?" and "How do I best communicate that?" are no longer asked by either partner which leads to a typical communications "rut" where no real "flow" is established and standard "catch phrases" lead to templated responses. The flexibility key can also be key to a lot of the standard issues in relationship stress.

Of course there are several more principles around building influence that I have omitted for the sake of brevity. For example, we have not touched on the principle of authority. If you have authority, you have an easier time with influence. Authority is closely element of credibility in the chapter about coherence. Also, we have not touched about the principle of scarcity (We need to act quickly to get the special deal). Scarcity could be lumped  in with the principle of clarity under the question "what's in it for me?". Whatever you might find lacking in this short discourse, hopefully this example still illustrates that the CommFlowSystem can provide a structured approach to help influence people. Of course there are thousands of other books on how to sell, how to persuade, how to influence and even how to manipulate others. However, at the end of the day, they are all grounded in the same principles. They have to be. Because people share the a very similar evolutionary history, the structure of our brains are virtually identical and we are all trying to minimize threats, and maximize pleasure and power at a minimum expense of energy

While this might sound overly simplistic, remember that the CommFlowSystem does not try to be complete or scientifically accurate. The CommFlowSystem gives you a set of 7 building blocks (Community, Intent, Coherence, Clarity, Feedback, Flexibility and Influence) from which you can construct tools to help you on your way to becoming a master communicator.

Here is the exercise I would like for you to complete over the next year or so, as you become more masterful in using the CommFlowSystem in your daily interactions.

Exercise for Influence (ongoing for each interaction or example). Run this checklist in every situation where you wish to influence a person.

(1) Community Check: Find out where the common interests and goals are
(2) Intent Check: Outcome clearly articulated in terms of the planned result of the discussion
(3) Coherence Check: Line of reasoning diagnosed for consistency, clarity, credibility, continuity etc.
(4) Clarity Check: Clearly articulated "What do you/they want?" and "What's in it for you/them?"
(5) Feedback Check: Analyzed the feedback received from interaction, what is their world model?
(6) Flexibility Check: Built more options to reach them in their favorite model of communication
(7) Influence Check: Moving in the right direction through "give and take", etc. (loop to 1, check with coach)

As you can see, the system starts looping and feeding on itself. I am extremely confident that by beginning to use a few, or even all oft these keys in your communications, you will see a substantial difference even after a few weeks of practice.

Thanks for reading thus far. This brings us to the end of section 2. I will now move on to Section 3, "The CommFlowSystem in Action" where I will explore situational tips and tricks for specific communication challenges. I welcome your feedback and input for these coming chapters.

Chapter 17: The Sixth Key: Flexibility

Welcome to Chapter 17 about Flexibility in Communications. In the previous chapter I was teasing you a bit by stating that feedback is the core of the CommFlowSystem, but that flexibility is even more important than feedback. The reason should be obvious. What good does all the feedback do if you don't have the flexibility to respond? So, flexibility is an important skill required to improve your ability to reach excellence in communications.

The reason we need flexibility related back to the arguments brought forth in the introduction of this book. Communication is like "keyhole surgery". We don't really see whats going on inside the mind of the person(s) we are communicating with, and the only thing we can really respond to is the feedback we receive. And what makes communication so interesting and challenging is that the very same message, the very same image, the very same conversation will be interpreted differently by each person. This turns communication into a constant dance where both parties have to be sensitive to the moves of the other person to stay in rhythm and flow. Let's drill down into the reasons why people are so different and what we can do to adjust our communications toolbox to address these differences.

There are dozens of systems that categorize people into different schemes or systems. I do not intend to repeat or rewrite these systems, and I recommend that you take any one of these classes, or read any one of these books. All these classification schemes go back to the same small set of fundamentals that I will lay out in this chapter in a strongly simplified format. Once you know the fundamentals of what makes people different, you can then begin your journey on increasing your flexibility in communications.

All classifications I have studied so far all relate back to the basic structure and chemistry of our brain. Think of the brain as having three major parts that have evolved at different stages of our specie's time on this planet (Note: I am not trying to be scientifically accurate here, just directionally accurate. If you are a scientist, just bear with me for a bit, I will come to the pragmatic tips and tricks in a second.)

The oldest brain part is dealing with the basic things needed for survival. Instincts "live here" that will be triggered by certain things you say or do, and safety and survival are paramount criteria for any conversation, since any conversation ultimately related back to real world concepts, actions and consequences. You will need flexibility in communications if you trigger one of these instincts by intention or by accident.
The second oldest part of the brain is dealing with the world of emotions and relationships. This is where we process a lot of the sensory input based on complex predefined neural pathways. A lot of the chemistry that makes us feel a certain way is generated by this part of the brain. "Intuition" lives here, and the way we experience and model the world in a more visual (seeing), auditory (hearing), or tactile (touching), gustatory (smelling/tasting) way. We need flexibility in order to understand and adjust to the emotional world of our target audience.
The newest part of the brain is dealing with concepts, plans and explanations. "Rationality" lives here, and a lot of thinking is done in this part. We will need to have the flexibility to adjust to the level of detail, logic and proof our conversation partner needs to feel comfortable about a communication.

Here is the secret. All the books you will ever read about communication are based on this. No matter how complex the classification scheme of these books it all boils down to these fundamental 3 rules.

(1) The brain strives to minimize threat and to maximize pleasure and power at a minimum expense of energy
(2) All decisions are emotional decisions, it's just different how we arrive at these decisions. And the way the body reacts to stimulus is vastly different per person based on the chemistry of these emotions.
(3) The thinking part of the brain is HIGHLY OVERRATED, it usually explains what happened and tries to predict the future based on these models. And these models are often very wrong.

"So", you might think. "None of this is new, and it's not even scientifically accurate. What's the point?"

The point is that you don't have to read dozens of books to learn more about these people classification schemes. You don't need to be a psychologist in order to communicate better and get to understanding and agreement. Just work on observing how people build their model of the world. Every time they communicate, every time they give you feedback, they are sending tons of data about their world model. Never assume that your world model is identical, or even similar to theirs. You might be a highly-results oriented, pragmatic, visual thinker, they might be a relationship-oriented, intuitive person that likes to talk about things a lot. They might like to think things over for a week, while you like to jump in, do stuff and see what happens. The more you "open up" your acceptance that everyone act within their model of their world, the more flexibility you will develop. Its an automatic thing. We do it when we speak to children. We do it when we speak to dogs. We do it when we speak to an old friend. We do it when we speak to our boss at work. The key is to become "conscious" of that flexibility and to begin using it like a tool. We need to learn how to observe this flexibility in others, as well as to constantly look to observe and improve this in ourselves. When communication breaks down, don't blame it on the other person(s), seek the fault first in yourself. Ask if there is there another way to deliver this information, a way that maybe avoids the instinctive fight or flight reaction of the reptile brain, a way that addresses the emotional framework of the recipient, or a way that lets the audience experience the content through their favorite channel of processing (seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, relating, etc.)

Once you open up to flexibility, your flexibility will open up the gates of understanding and agreement.

Here is the exercise for the flexibility chapter (run this over the next 4 to 6 weeks)

(1) Identify at least 5 people in your community that you would rate as "very different" in terms of their communication style
(2) Write down exactly what makes them different (uses words, uses visuals, waves with hands, needs data)
(3) Pay close attention to the things that seem to work, and to the things that seem to fail
(4) Observe the SCARF pattern, as people evaluate the environment for threat or rewards in regards to Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness
(5) Watch out for the difference in their communication style when relaxed, or when under stress
(6) Write down at least 3 examples of how you changed your approach to communicating with that person based on your observations.
(7) Discuss with your coach / mentor (Rinse and Repeat, go back to 1)

 We are now almost at the end of section 2 of this book, discussing the 7 gates to understanding and agreement in a bit more detail before we jump into case examples and practical tips and tricks. Before we can open up section 3, there is one more gate to discuss. The gate of "Influence".

Chapter 16: The Fifth Key: Feedback

Hi. Welcome to Chapter 16 of the CommFlow System. How is it going with your communications mentor? Have you completed the exercises in chapters 11 to 15? What? You have no mentor yet? And you have not read the other chapters? Never mind, you can still get value out of this chapter, but I recommend you read the CommFlow system from the beginning, and I REALLY recommend at this time you find someone to give you honest and non judging feedback on your communications skills. Which brings me to the core of this chapter: Feedback

In a very successful series of books around a communications methodology called Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), communications experts have laid down a number of really interesting and useful concepts that I do not intend to repeat or rephrase in the CommFlow System. However, one of the rules of NLP is so essential and fundamental that I felt I needed to dedicate one of the 7 keys to it: Feedback. The NLP rule states:

"The meaning of any communication is in the feedback you receive"

This is so earth shatteringly important that you should go back one line and read the sentence again. Wait, I"ll help you. Here you go ...

"The meaning of any communication is in the feedback you receive"

What does this mean for excellence in communication? It means that we should strive to maximize the time we spend on asking questions and getting feedback. Instead of spending 80% of the time talking or showing stuff, we should be spending 80% of the time to obtain feedback about our communications. If you have ever been to a therapy session or in a coaching session with a good mentor (I have) you will acknowledge that you are doing most of the talking and they are mostly reflecting what you said in terms of a question. The same is applied in management trainings when you are instructed in how to deal with conflicts through a technique called "active listening". Another example is the experiments that show that those people at a cocktail party that ask more questions are rated the best conversationalists. After all, the one subject people like to talk about most is the subject of their own life and times. And if you are the ones asking the questions (the best technique is to take the last sentence of theirs and repeat it as a question), you will be rated as a nice person to talk to.

However, communications is not just about one-on-one dialogs. If you are giving a speech, its a bit harder to obtain direct feedback on your communication. But it is still important and necessary to build feedback into your plan for each communication. There is always a way. A form to hand out. A mail address to share. A time at the bar for an informal chat about questions etc.

Here are some ideas you can use in your day to day experiences. These ideas are also the core of the exercises for the feedback chapter. Read through the ideas, and try to find several dozen examples for each category in the next few weeks that you can then discuss with your coach/mentor/advisor.

Feedback by asking. Try to start any interaction with a question. In a one-on-one situation, ask about a common aspect of the relationship. In a one on many communication, ask for a "show of hands" about a specific question you have. In written communications, you can still start a chapter with a question, even though you might not get instant feedback, the audience will appreciate the fact that you are not just "sending". Each time you write, make sure there is a return address. A feedback mechanism must be a golden rule in each interaction. If you are in the business of communications: draft, test, draft, test, ... etc.

Feedback by observing. When you are in an interaction, observe the reactions of the audience, one-on-one or not. The body language, where they stand or sit in relation to you, if they are focused on you or on their smart phone can tell you how you are responding. Even when you are recording a video, you can improve the effectiveness of your communication by asking questions of the audience. Keep this in mind. You can also observe your own body. Your body "knows" how things are going much better than your brain.

Feedback by sending. Make sure you are using "active listening". Focus on the communication situation at hand. Try to avoid being distracted by other things and get into the "flow" completely. If you cannot focus on the communication 100%, the other party will notice, and they might not listen to you either. Acknowledge  the other messages with a nod, and by relating back to what was said. Watch out for your own body language, since you are also permanently sending feedback to your communication partner. The question is if you are aware of your own feedback messages or not.

With the 5th key, you are now ready to unlock most of the gates to understanding and agreement. I hope you can see at this point of the book that the 5 keys are interacting in terms of a system that helps you maximize the effectiveness of your communications. Key 1: Community, can be best improved by getting feedback from your audience. Key 2: Intent, can be best adjusted by finding out if there is a conflict of interest. Key 3: Coherence, can be best improved by asking the other party to give you feedback. And Key 4: Clarity, can be best achieved when you know about how to motivate the other person (what's in it for them?) Feedback is at the core of the CommFlowSystem, but there is one chapter that is even more important than feedback. The next key I am about to discuss is called Flexibility. Why is flexibility more important than feedback? Read on to find out.