After throwing a bit of light onto the first 6 keys to the gates of understanding and agreement, its now time to deal with my favorite key: The key of influence. I chose this key as the 7th key because I believe that any communication has an intent to influence the other party. The difference between each interaction, and between different people doing the communicating is if they are doing this in a conscious or in a subconscious way. For example, as I am writing this book, I am trying to influence you to start using my CommFlowSystem. That much should be pretty obvious. But when we are doing small talk at a party, are we really trying to exert any influence? Whom are we trying to persuade, or sell to at that time? Is this chit chat not just for pleasure and fun?
As I stated in the introductory chapters, I believe "everyone is selling all the time". Even at the party we are driving for attention, feedback and praise, status and acknowledgement, pleasure and power, and we use communication tools to accomplish this. And once we "buy into" this principle, it actually becomes quite a bit easier to understand people at that level. And it becomes vastly more easy to influence and persuade people. There is no magic here. All the information you need to become a master influencer has already been given to you in the previous chapters. Surprised? Disappointed? You were looking for more beef here? Allright, I will drill down into this a bit more.
Lets use an example. Say Spouse 1 is trying to persuade Spouse 2 to change their mind about buying a new car. Spouse 2 is adamantly against buying a new car and would rather spend the money on a trip around the world. Spouse 1, on the other hand, hates travelling, more than anything and desperately"needs" the new car to impress their buddies at the fitness club who have bet against Spouse 1 being able to pull this off against the wishes of said Spouse 2. Dilemma? Deadlock? While a bit contrived, lets see how we would use the tools introduced in the previous chapters to influence the decision of the spouse in favor of buying the car.
The initial 6 gates of understanding and agreement are:
Community - Intent - Coherence - Clarity - Feedback - Flexibility
How would we use this in this context? Lets put the CommFlowSystem into action.
Community. Find out what the 2 spouses actually can agree on. For example, if there is to be a world trip, would it have to be now or could it be a year later? Would it be by plane or by boat? What is the list of countries one would go to? Would one go alone or try to join up with other people? Who would one visit on the way? How long would this take? What is the budget required? By initiating this discussion and by focusing on the things both spouses can agree on, resistance levels can be reduced and community can be established. Also, before deciding on the budget, the discussion if a car can be afforded is moot anyhow. This principle is also preparing to a key prerequisite for influence and persuasion. The principle of mutual gain, in other words, you have to give something to get something. The other key here is it easier to influence people if they like you. and they will like you better, not only if you are nice to them, but if you are "like" them.
Intent. Find out what the real intent of the differing proposals is. The position of Spouse 2 is "world trip". The position of spouse 1 is "car". In reality, the real intent of spouse 2 might be "spend a large chunk of quality time together, far away from work, and village". The real intent of spouse 1 might be "prove to friends that I am in charge and can do whatever I please". By having an exploratory discussion about the motivation behind the position, one might come up with a number of options to resolve the conflict and influence the other to change their minds. Also, as in any negotiation, both parties are used to giving up a bit to get something, and as in any negotiation, the party with more options on the table has more flexibility to steer the discussion. In addition, while the brain is always looking to maximize pleasure and reward, it is also constantly looking to minimize pain, risk, and above all loss. If you are "taking away" something, you will inadvertently and immediately trigger a so called "loss aversion". This is a strong emotion and will not allow you to exert a lot of influence. One great way to avoid the loss aversion is to address it proactively. If someone is winning, someone has to lose. Factor that into your preparations.
Coherence. In this case it is important to be consistent in the line of reasoning, and not keep on changing the reasons why one has chosen the position. For example, spouse 2 could use the line of reasoning that buying the car would not jeopardize the ability to go on a long trip, and before the long trip a commitment to spending more quality time together would be "part of the deal". Credibility is also a key factor. If spouse 1 wants to influence or persuade spouse 2, it would be best to come clean about their "status" needs versus trying to sell the technical features of the desired car. The other element that plays into this is coherence with the community (Other people are doing the same thing). Or one can show consistency with previous decisions (We did the same thing last time when we bought the last car). Or one can refer to a previous commitment (But we said we were going to do this). The skinny of this is: Coherence helps build influence.
Clarity. As discussed in the previous chapter, clarity is not just about simplicity of words and concepts, but it's mostly about the uncluttered communication of the consequences of the actions, answering the questions about "what do you want?" and "whats in it for me?". In the case of the car purchase vs. the world trip, spouse 2 could use this technique to more clearly state that, once the trip is booked and committed to and budgeted for, there would be ample room to discuss the new car. On the other hand, spouse 1 could clearly state that the new car would mean at least one extended weekend per month together away from the kids, etc. Working on your value proposition is a good tool for influence, and clarity is the key to that.
Feedback. As should be clear from the context, this problem cannot be solved by taking fixed positions and then yelling the other party into compliance or submission. Stubborn refusal to listen would not solve the problem either, and both parties would be well advised to give each other feedback on the ideas generated. Feedback is a key gate to understanding and agreement.
Flexibility. In this case, flexibility in communications might relate to the way where the conversations are held. By going to the travel agent to look through catalogs, or by inviting friends who may have been on the a similar trip, spouse 2 can influence spouse 1. On the other hand, renting the car for a weekend and having spouse 2 taking a spin could influence the position quite a bit. Again, flexibility is all about acknowledging the different world model of the other party, and making sure the best tools and methods are used to get the point across. Especially in longer running relationships, the key questions of "what do I need?", "what do I observe?" and "How do I best communicate that?" are no longer asked by either partner which leads to a typical communications "rut" where no real "flow" is established and standard "catch phrases" lead to templated responses. The flexibility key can also be key to a lot of the standard issues in relationship stress.
Of course there are several more principles around building influence that I have omitted for the sake of brevity. For example, we have not touched on the principle of authority. If you have authority, you have an easier time with influence. Authority is closely element of credibility in the chapter about coherence. Also, we have not touched about the principle of scarcity (We need to act quickly to get the special deal). Scarcity could be lumped in with the principle of clarity under the question "what's in it for me?". Whatever you might find lacking in this short discourse, hopefully this example still illustrates that the CommFlowSystem can provide a structured approach to help influence people. Of course there are thousands of other books on how to sell, how to persuade, how to influence and even how to manipulate others. However, at the end of the day, they are all grounded in the same principles. They have to be. Because people share the a very similar evolutionary history, the structure of our brains are virtually identical and we are all trying to minimize threats, and maximize pleasure and power at a minimum expense of energy
While this might sound overly simplistic, remember that the CommFlowSystem does not try to be complete or scientifically accurate. The CommFlowSystem gives you a set of 7 building blocks (Community, Intent, Coherence, Clarity, Feedback, Flexibility and Influence) from which you can construct tools to help you on your way to becoming a master communicator.
Here is the exercise I would like for you to complete over the next year or so, as you become more masterful in using the CommFlowSystem in your daily interactions.
Exercise for Influence (ongoing for each interaction or example). Run this checklist in every situation where you wish to influence a person.
(1) Community Check: Find out where the common interests and goals are
(2) Intent Check: Outcome clearly articulated in terms of the planned result of the discussion
(3) Coherence Check: Line of reasoning diagnosed for consistency, clarity, credibility, continuity etc.
(4) Clarity Check: Clearly articulated "What do you/they want?" and "What's in it for you/them?"
(5) Feedback Check: Analyzed the feedback received from interaction, what is their world model?
(6) Flexibility Check: Built more options to reach them in their favorite model of communication
(7) Influence Check: Moving in the right direction through "give and take", etc. (loop to 1, check with coach)
As you can see, the system starts looping and feeding on itself. I am extremely confident that by beginning to use a few, or even all oft these keys in your communications, you will see a substantial difference even after a few weeks of practice.
Thanks for reading thus far. This brings us to the end of section 2. I will now move on to Section 3, "The CommFlowSystem in Action" where I will explore situational tips and tricks for specific communication challenges. I welcome your feedback and input for these coming chapters.
As I stated in the introductory chapters, I believe "everyone is selling all the time". Even at the party we are driving for attention, feedback and praise, status and acknowledgement, pleasure and power, and we use communication tools to accomplish this. And once we "buy into" this principle, it actually becomes quite a bit easier to understand people at that level. And it becomes vastly more easy to influence and persuade people. There is no magic here. All the information you need to become a master influencer has already been given to you in the previous chapters. Surprised? Disappointed? You were looking for more beef here? Allright, I will drill down into this a bit more.
Lets use an example. Say Spouse 1 is trying to persuade Spouse 2 to change their mind about buying a new car. Spouse 2 is adamantly against buying a new car and would rather spend the money on a trip around the world. Spouse 1, on the other hand, hates travelling, more than anything and desperately"needs" the new car to impress their buddies at the fitness club who have bet against Spouse 1 being able to pull this off against the wishes of said Spouse 2. Dilemma? Deadlock? While a bit contrived, lets see how we would use the tools introduced in the previous chapters to influence the decision of the spouse in favor of buying the car.
The initial 6 gates of understanding and agreement are:
Community - Intent - Coherence - Clarity - Feedback - Flexibility
How would we use this in this context? Lets put the CommFlowSystem into action.
Community. Find out what the 2 spouses actually can agree on. For example, if there is to be a world trip, would it have to be now or could it be a year later? Would it be by plane or by boat? What is the list of countries one would go to? Would one go alone or try to join up with other people? Who would one visit on the way? How long would this take? What is the budget required? By initiating this discussion and by focusing on the things both spouses can agree on, resistance levels can be reduced and community can be established. Also, before deciding on the budget, the discussion if a car can be afforded is moot anyhow. This principle is also preparing to a key prerequisite for influence and persuasion. The principle of mutual gain, in other words, you have to give something to get something. The other key here is it easier to influence people if they like you. and they will like you better, not only if you are nice to them, but if you are "like" them.
Intent. Find out what the real intent of the differing proposals is. The position of Spouse 2 is "world trip". The position of spouse 1 is "car". In reality, the real intent of spouse 2 might be "spend a large chunk of quality time together, far away from work, and village". The real intent of spouse 1 might be "prove to friends that I am in charge and can do whatever I please". By having an exploratory discussion about the motivation behind the position, one might come up with a number of options to resolve the conflict and influence the other to change their minds. Also, as in any negotiation, both parties are used to giving up a bit to get something, and as in any negotiation, the party with more options on the table has more flexibility to steer the discussion. In addition, while the brain is always looking to maximize pleasure and reward, it is also constantly looking to minimize pain, risk, and above all loss. If you are "taking away" something, you will inadvertently and immediately trigger a so called "loss aversion". This is a strong emotion and will not allow you to exert a lot of influence. One great way to avoid the loss aversion is to address it proactively. If someone is winning, someone has to lose. Factor that into your preparations.
Coherence. In this case it is important to be consistent in the line of reasoning, and not keep on changing the reasons why one has chosen the position. For example, spouse 2 could use the line of reasoning that buying the car would not jeopardize the ability to go on a long trip, and before the long trip a commitment to spending more quality time together would be "part of the deal". Credibility is also a key factor. If spouse 1 wants to influence or persuade spouse 2, it would be best to come clean about their "status" needs versus trying to sell the technical features of the desired car. The other element that plays into this is coherence with the community (Other people are doing the same thing). Or one can show consistency with previous decisions (We did the same thing last time when we bought the last car). Or one can refer to a previous commitment (But we said we were going to do this). The skinny of this is: Coherence helps build influence.
Clarity. As discussed in the previous chapter, clarity is not just about simplicity of words and concepts, but it's mostly about the uncluttered communication of the consequences of the actions, answering the questions about "what do you want?" and "whats in it for me?". In the case of the car purchase vs. the world trip, spouse 2 could use this technique to more clearly state that, once the trip is booked and committed to and budgeted for, there would be ample room to discuss the new car. On the other hand, spouse 1 could clearly state that the new car would mean at least one extended weekend per month together away from the kids, etc. Working on your value proposition is a good tool for influence, and clarity is the key to that.
Feedback. As should be clear from the context, this problem cannot be solved by taking fixed positions and then yelling the other party into compliance or submission. Stubborn refusal to listen would not solve the problem either, and both parties would be well advised to give each other feedback on the ideas generated. Feedback is a key gate to understanding and agreement.
Flexibility. In this case, flexibility in communications might relate to the way where the conversations are held. By going to the travel agent to look through catalogs, or by inviting friends who may have been on the a similar trip, spouse 2 can influence spouse 1. On the other hand, renting the car for a weekend and having spouse 2 taking a spin could influence the position quite a bit. Again, flexibility is all about acknowledging the different world model of the other party, and making sure the best tools and methods are used to get the point across. Especially in longer running relationships, the key questions of "what do I need?", "what do I observe?" and "How do I best communicate that?" are no longer asked by either partner which leads to a typical communications "rut" where no real "flow" is established and standard "catch phrases" lead to templated responses. The flexibility key can also be key to a lot of the standard issues in relationship stress.
Of course there are several more principles around building influence that I have omitted for the sake of brevity. For example, we have not touched on the principle of authority. If you have authority, you have an easier time with influence. Authority is closely element of credibility in the chapter about coherence. Also, we have not touched about the principle of scarcity (We need to act quickly to get the special deal). Scarcity could be lumped in with the principle of clarity under the question "what's in it for me?". Whatever you might find lacking in this short discourse, hopefully this example still illustrates that the CommFlowSystem can provide a structured approach to help influence people. Of course there are thousands of other books on how to sell, how to persuade, how to influence and even how to manipulate others. However, at the end of the day, they are all grounded in the same principles. They have to be. Because people share the a very similar evolutionary history, the structure of our brains are virtually identical and we are all trying to minimize threats, and maximize pleasure and power at a minimum expense of energy
While this might sound overly simplistic, remember that the CommFlowSystem does not try to be complete or scientifically accurate. The CommFlowSystem gives you a set of 7 building blocks (Community, Intent, Coherence, Clarity, Feedback, Flexibility and Influence) from which you can construct tools to help you on your way to becoming a master communicator.
Here is the exercise I would like for you to complete over the next year or so, as you become more masterful in using the CommFlowSystem in your daily interactions.
Exercise for Influence (ongoing for each interaction or example). Run this checklist in every situation where you wish to influence a person.
(1) Community Check: Find out where the common interests and goals are
(2) Intent Check: Outcome clearly articulated in terms of the planned result of the discussion
(3) Coherence Check: Line of reasoning diagnosed for consistency, clarity, credibility, continuity etc.
(4) Clarity Check: Clearly articulated "What do you/they want?" and "What's in it for you/them?"
(5) Feedback Check: Analyzed the feedback received from interaction, what is their world model?
(6) Flexibility Check: Built more options to reach them in their favorite model of communication
(7) Influence Check: Moving in the right direction through "give and take", etc. (loop to 1, check with coach)
As you can see, the system starts looping and feeding on itself. I am extremely confident that by beginning to use a few, or even all oft these keys in your communications, you will see a substantial difference even after a few weeks of practice.
Thanks for reading thus far. This brings us to the end of section 2. I will now move on to Section 3, "The CommFlowSystem in Action" where I will explore situational tips and tricks for specific communication challenges. I welcome your feedback and input for these coming chapters.
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