Hi. Welcome to Chapter 16 of the CommFlow System. How is it going with your communications mentor? Have you completed the exercises in chapters 11 to 15? What? You have no mentor yet? And you have not read the other chapters? Never mind, you can still get value out of this chapter, but I recommend you read the CommFlow system from the beginning, and I REALLY recommend at this time you find someone to give you honest and non judging feedback on your communications skills. Which brings me to the core of this chapter: Feedback
In a very successful series of books around a communications methodology called Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), communications experts have laid down a number of really interesting and useful concepts that I do not intend to repeat or rephrase in the CommFlow System. However, one of the rules of NLP is so essential and fundamental that I felt I needed to dedicate one of the 7 keys to it: Feedback. The NLP rule states:
"The meaning of any communication is in the feedback you receive"
This is so earth shatteringly important that you should go back one line and read the sentence again. Wait, I"ll help you. Here you go ...
"The meaning of any communication is in the feedback you receive"
What does this mean for excellence in communication? It means that we should strive to maximize the time we spend on asking questions and getting feedback. Instead of spending 80% of the time talking or showing stuff, we should be spending 80% of the time to obtain feedback about our communications. If you have ever been to a therapy session or in a coaching session with a good mentor (I have) you will acknowledge that you are doing most of the talking and they are mostly reflecting what you said in terms of a question. The same is applied in management trainings when you are instructed in how to deal with conflicts through a technique called "active listening". Another example is the experiments that show that those people at a cocktail party that ask more questions are rated the best conversationalists. After all, the one subject people like to talk about most is the subject of their own life and times. And if you are the ones asking the questions (the best technique is to take the last sentence of theirs and repeat it as a question), you will be rated as a nice person to talk to.
However, communications is not just about one-on-one dialogs. If you are giving a speech, its a bit harder to obtain direct feedback on your communication. But it is still important and necessary to build feedback into your plan for each communication. There is always a way. A form to hand out. A mail address to share. A time at the bar for an informal chat about questions etc.
Here are some ideas you can use in your day to day experiences. These ideas are also the core of the exercises for the feedback chapter. Read through the ideas, and try to find several dozen examples for each category in the next few weeks that you can then discuss with your coach/mentor/advisor.
Feedback by asking. Try to start any interaction with a question. In a one-on-one situation, ask about a common aspect of the relationship. In a one on many communication, ask for a "show of hands" about a specific question you have. In written communications, you can still start a chapter with a question, even though you might not get instant feedback, the audience will appreciate the fact that you are not just "sending". Each time you write, make sure there is a return address. A feedback mechanism must be a golden rule in each interaction. If you are in the business of communications: draft, test, draft, test, ... etc.
Feedback by observing. When you are in an interaction, observe the reactions of the audience, one-on-one or not. The body language, where they stand or sit in relation to you, if they are focused on you or on their smart phone can tell you how you are responding. Even when you are recording a video, you can improve the effectiveness of your communication by asking questions of the audience. Keep this in mind. You can also observe your own body. Your body "knows" how things are going much better than your brain.
Feedback by sending. Make sure you are using "active listening". Focus on the communication situation at hand. Try to avoid being distracted by other things and get into the "flow" completely. If you cannot focus on the communication 100%, the other party will notice, and they might not listen to you either. Acknowledge the other messages with a nod, and by relating back to what was said. Watch out for your own body language, since you are also permanently sending feedback to your communication partner. The question is if you are aware of your own feedback messages or not.
With the 5th key, you are now ready to unlock most of the gates to understanding and agreement. I hope you can see at this point of the book that the 5 keys are interacting in terms of a system that helps you maximize the effectiveness of your communications. Key 1: Community, can be best improved by getting feedback from your audience. Key 2: Intent, can be best adjusted by finding out if there is a conflict of interest. Key 3: Coherence, can be best improved by asking the other party to give you feedback. And Key 4: Clarity, can be best achieved when you know about how to motivate the other person (what's in it for them?) Feedback is at the core of the CommFlowSystem, but there is one chapter that is even more important than feedback. The next key I am about to discuss is called Flexibility. Why is flexibility more important than feedback? Read on to find out.
In a very successful series of books around a communications methodology called Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), communications experts have laid down a number of really interesting and useful concepts that I do not intend to repeat or rephrase in the CommFlow System. However, one of the rules of NLP is so essential and fundamental that I felt I needed to dedicate one of the 7 keys to it: Feedback. The NLP rule states:
"The meaning of any communication is in the feedback you receive"
This is so earth shatteringly important that you should go back one line and read the sentence again. Wait, I"ll help you. Here you go ...
"The meaning of any communication is in the feedback you receive"
What does this mean for excellence in communication? It means that we should strive to maximize the time we spend on asking questions and getting feedback. Instead of spending 80% of the time talking or showing stuff, we should be spending 80% of the time to obtain feedback about our communications. If you have ever been to a therapy session or in a coaching session with a good mentor (I have) you will acknowledge that you are doing most of the talking and they are mostly reflecting what you said in terms of a question. The same is applied in management trainings when you are instructed in how to deal with conflicts through a technique called "active listening". Another example is the experiments that show that those people at a cocktail party that ask more questions are rated the best conversationalists. After all, the one subject people like to talk about most is the subject of their own life and times. And if you are the ones asking the questions (the best technique is to take the last sentence of theirs and repeat it as a question), you will be rated as a nice person to talk to.
However, communications is not just about one-on-one dialogs. If you are giving a speech, its a bit harder to obtain direct feedback on your communication. But it is still important and necessary to build feedback into your plan for each communication. There is always a way. A form to hand out. A mail address to share. A time at the bar for an informal chat about questions etc.
Here are some ideas you can use in your day to day experiences. These ideas are also the core of the exercises for the feedback chapter. Read through the ideas, and try to find several dozen examples for each category in the next few weeks that you can then discuss with your coach/mentor/advisor.
Feedback by asking. Try to start any interaction with a question. In a one-on-one situation, ask about a common aspect of the relationship. In a one on many communication, ask for a "show of hands" about a specific question you have. In written communications, you can still start a chapter with a question, even though you might not get instant feedback, the audience will appreciate the fact that you are not just "sending". Each time you write, make sure there is a return address. A feedback mechanism must be a golden rule in each interaction. If you are in the business of communications: draft, test, draft, test, ... etc.
Feedback by observing. When you are in an interaction, observe the reactions of the audience, one-on-one or not. The body language, where they stand or sit in relation to you, if they are focused on you or on their smart phone can tell you how you are responding. Even when you are recording a video, you can improve the effectiveness of your communication by asking questions of the audience. Keep this in mind. You can also observe your own body. Your body "knows" how things are going much better than your brain.
Feedback by sending. Make sure you are using "active listening". Focus on the communication situation at hand. Try to avoid being distracted by other things and get into the "flow" completely. If you cannot focus on the communication 100%, the other party will notice, and they might not listen to you either. Acknowledge the other messages with a nod, and by relating back to what was said. Watch out for your own body language, since you are also permanently sending feedback to your communication partner. The question is if you are aware of your own feedback messages or not.
With the 5th key, you are now ready to unlock most of the gates to understanding and agreement. I hope you can see at this point of the book that the 5 keys are interacting in terms of a system that helps you maximize the effectiveness of your communications. Key 1: Community, can be best improved by getting feedback from your audience. Key 2: Intent, can be best adjusted by finding out if there is a conflict of interest. Key 3: Coherence, can be best improved by asking the other party to give you feedback. And Key 4: Clarity, can be best achieved when you know about how to motivate the other person (what's in it for them?) Feedback is at the core of the CommFlowSystem, but there is one chapter that is even more important than feedback. The next key I am about to discuss is called Flexibility. Why is flexibility more important than feedback? Read on to find out.
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