Welcome to Chapter 17 about Flexibility in Communications. In the previous chapter I was teasing you a bit by stating that feedback is the core of the CommFlowSystem, but that flexibility is even more important than feedback. The reason should be obvious. What good does all the feedback do if you don't have the flexibility to respond? So, flexibility is an important skill required to improve your ability to reach excellence in communications.
The reason we need flexibility related back to the arguments brought forth in the introduction of this book. Communication is like "keyhole surgery". We don't really see whats going on inside the mind of the person(s) we are communicating with, and the only thing we can really respond to is the feedback we receive. And what makes communication so interesting and challenging is that the very same message, the very same image, the very same conversation will be interpreted differently by each person. This turns communication into a constant dance where both parties have to be sensitive to the moves of the other person to stay in rhythm and flow. Let's drill down into the reasons why people are so different and what we can do to adjust our communications toolbox to address these differences.
There are dozens of systems that categorize people into different schemes or systems. I do not intend to repeat or rewrite these systems, and I recommend that you take any one of these classes, or read any one of these books. All these classification schemes go back to the same small set of fundamentals that I will lay out in this chapter in a strongly simplified format. Once you know the fundamentals of what makes people different, you can then begin your journey on increasing your flexibility in communications.
All classifications I have studied so far all relate back to the basic structure and chemistry of our brain. Think of the brain as having three major parts that have evolved at different stages of our specie's time on this planet (Note: I am not trying to be scientifically accurate here, just directionally accurate. If you are a scientist, just bear with me for a bit, I will come to the pragmatic tips and tricks in a second.)
The oldest brain part is dealing with the basic things needed for survival. Instincts "live here" that will be triggered by certain things you say or do, and safety and survival are paramount criteria for any conversation, since any conversation ultimately related back to real world concepts, actions and consequences. You will need flexibility in communications if you trigger one of these instincts by intention or by accident.
The second oldest part of the brain is dealing with the world of emotions and relationships. This is where we process a lot of the sensory input based on complex predefined neural pathways. A lot of the chemistry that makes us feel a certain way is generated by this part of the brain. "Intuition" lives here, and the way we experience and model the world in a more visual (seeing), auditory (hearing), or tactile (touching), gustatory (smelling/tasting) way. We need flexibility in order to understand and adjust to the emotional world of our target audience.
The newest part of the brain is dealing with concepts, plans and explanations. "Rationality" lives here, and a lot of thinking is done in this part. We will need to have the flexibility to adjust to the level of detail, logic and proof our conversation partner needs to feel comfortable about a communication.
Here is the secret. All the books you will ever read about communication are based on this. No matter how complex the classification scheme of these books it all boils down to these fundamental 3 rules.
(1) The brain strives to minimize threat and to maximize pleasure and power at a minimum expense of energy
(2) All decisions are emotional decisions, it's just different how we arrive at these decisions. And the way the body reacts to stimulus is vastly different per person based on the chemistry of these emotions.
(3) The thinking part of the brain is HIGHLY OVERRATED, it usually explains what happened and tries to predict the future based on these models. And these models are often very wrong.
"So", you might think. "None of this is new, and it's not even scientifically accurate. What's the point?"
The point is that you don't have to read dozens of books to learn more about these people classification schemes. You don't need to be a psychologist in order to communicate better and get to understanding and agreement. Just work on observing how people build their model of the world. Every time they communicate, every time they give you feedback, they are sending tons of data about their world model. Never assume that your world model is identical, or even similar to theirs. You might be a highly-results oriented, pragmatic, visual thinker, they might be a relationship-oriented, intuitive person that likes to talk about things a lot. They might like to think things over for a week, while you like to jump in, do stuff and see what happens. The more you "open up" your acceptance that everyone act within their model of their world, the more flexibility you will develop. Its an automatic thing. We do it when we speak to children. We do it when we speak to dogs. We do it when we speak to an old friend. We do it when we speak to our boss at work. The key is to become "conscious" of that flexibility and to begin using it like a tool. We need to learn how to observe this flexibility in others, as well as to constantly look to observe and improve this in ourselves. When communication breaks down, don't blame it on the other person(s), seek the fault first in yourself. Ask if there is there another way to deliver this information, a way that maybe avoids the instinctive fight or flight reaction of the reptile brain, a way that addresses the emotional framework of the recipient, or a way that lets the audience experience the content through their favorite channel of processing (seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, relating, etc.)
Once you open up to flexibility, your flexibility will open up the gates of understanding and agreement.
Here is the exercise for the flexibility chapter (run this over the next 4 to 6 weeks)
(1) Identify at least 5 people in your community that you would rate as "very different" in terms of their communication style
(2) Write down exactly what makes them different (uses words, uses visuals, waves with hands, needs data)
(3) Pay close attention to the things that seem to work, and to the things that seem to fail
(4) Observe the SCARF pattern, as people evaluate the environment for threat or rewards in regards to Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness
(5) Watch out for the difference in their communication style when relaxed, or when under stress
(6) Write down at least 3 examples of how you changed your approach to communicating with that person based on your observations.
(7) Discuss with your coach / mentor (Rinse and Repeat, go back to 1)
We are now almost at the end of section 2 of this book, discussing the 7 gates to understanding and agreement in a bit more detail before we jump into case examples and practical tips and tricks. Before we can open up section 3, there is one more gate to discuss. The gate of "Influence".
The reason we need flexibility related back to the arguments brought forth in the introduction of this book. Communication is like "keyhole surgery". We don't really see whats going on inside the mind of the person(s) we are communicating with, and the only thing we can really respond to is the feedback we receive. And what makes communication so interesting and challenging is that the very same message, the very same image, the very same conversation will be interpreted differently by each person. This turns communication into a constant dance where both parties have to be sensitive to the moves of the other person to stay in rhythm and flow. Let's drill down into the reasons why people are so different and what we can do to adjust our communications toolbox to address these differences.
There are dozens of systems that categorize people into different schemes or systems. I do not intend to repeat or rewrite these systems, and I recommend that you take any one of these classes, or read any one of these books. All these classification schemes go back to the same small set of fundamentals that I will lay out in this chapter in a strongly simplified format. Once you know the fundamentals of what makes people different, you can then begin your journey on increasing your flexibility in communications.
All classifications I have studied so far all relate back to the basic structure and chemistry of our brain. Think of the brain as having three major parts that have evolved at different stages of our specie's time on this planet (Note: I am not trying to be scientifically accurate here, just directionally accurate. If you are a scientist, just bear with me for a bit, I will come to the pragmatic tips and tricks in a second.)
The oldest brain part is dealing with the basic things needed for survival. Instincts "live here" that will be triggered by certain things you say or do, and safety and survival are paramount criteria for any conversation, since any conversation ultimately related back to real world concepts, actions and consequences. You will need flexibility in communications if you trigger one of these instincts by intention or by accident.
The second oldest part of the brain is dealing with the world of emotions and relationships. This is where we process a lot of the sensory input based on complex predefined neural pathways. A lot of the chemistry that makes us feel a certain way is generated by this part of the brain. "Intuition" lives here, and the way we experience and model the world in a more visual (seeing), auditory (hearing), or tactile (touching), gustatory (smelling/tasting) way. We need flexibility in order to understand and adjust to the emotional world of our target audience.
The newest part of the brain is dealing with concepts, plans and explanations. "Rationality" lives here, and a lot of thinking is done in this part. We will need to have the flexibility to adjust to the level of detail, logic and proof our conversation partner needs to feel comfortable about a communication.
Here is the secret. All the books you will ever read about communication are based on this. No matter how complex the classification scheme of these books it all boils down to these fundamental 3 rules.
(1) The brain strives to minimize threat and to maximize pleasure and power at a minimum expense of energy
(2) All decisions are emotional decisions, it's just different how we arrive at these decisions. And the way the body reacts to stimulus is vastly different per person based on the chemistry of these emotions.
(3) The thinking part of the brain is HIGHLY OVERRATED, it usually explains what happened and tries to predict the future based on these models. And these models are often very wrong.
"So", you might think. "None of this is new, and it's not even scientifically accurate. What's the point?"
The point is that you don't have to read dozens of books to learn more about these people classification schemes. You don't need to be a psychologist in order to communicate better and get to understanding and agreement. Just work on observing how people build their model of the world. Every time they communicate, every time they give you feedback, they are sending tons of data about their world model. Never assume that your world model is identical, or even similar to theirs. You might be a highly-results oriented, pragmatic, visual thinker, they might be a relationship-oriented, intuitive person that likes to talk about things a lot. They might like to think things over for a week, while you like to jump in, do stuff and see what happens. The more you "open up" your acceptance that everyone act within their model of their world, the more flexibility you will develop. Its an automatic thing. We do it when we speak to children. We do it when we speak to dogs. We do it when we speak to an old friend. We do it when we speak to our boss at work. The key is to become "conscious" of that flexibility and to begin using it like a tool. We need to learn how to observe this flexibility in others, as well as to constantly look to observe and improve this in ourselves. When communication breaks down, don't blame it on the other person(s), seek the fault first in yourself. Ask if there is there another way to deliver this information, a way that maybe avoids the instinctive fight or flight reaction of the reptile brain, a way that addresses the emotional framework of the recipient, or a way that lets the audience experience the content through their favorite channel of processing (seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, relating, etc.)
Once you open up to flexibility, your flexibility will open up the gates of understanding and agreement.
Here is the exercise for the flexibility chapter (run this over the next 4 to 6 weeks)
(1) Identify at least 5 people in your community that you would rate as "very different" in terms of their communication style
(2) Write down exactly what makes them different (uses words, uses visuals, waves with hands, needs data)
(3) Pay close attention to the things that seem to work, and to the things that seem to fail
(4) Observe the SCARF pattern, as people evaluate the environment for threat or rewards in regards to Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness
(5) Watch out for the difference in their communication style when relaxed, or when under stress
(6) Write down at least 3 examples of how you changed your approach to communicating with that person based on your observations.
(7) Discuss with your coach / mentor (Rinse and Repeat, go back to 1)
We are now almost at the end of section 2 of this book, discussing the 7 gates to understanding and agreement in a bit more detail before we jump into case examples and practical tips and tricks. Before we can open up section 3, there is one more gate to discuss. The gate of "Influence".
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