We have probably all heard or read about it. Body Language. Our bodies send out messages to our audience before we have even spoken a single word. In certain situations, body language along with tone of voice can convey more meaning than the words actually used. Substantially more. So, yes, we have heard about it, but, honestly, do we always respect this when we enter into a communication? I thought it would be a useful thing to summarize the top 10 situations where body language plays a key role. By going back and relating to these 10 standard situations you can create your own personal "survival guide" that you can peruse ever to often to bring your knowledge back up to speed. Note that I will not use any pictures in this chapter. Instead I will rely on your own observations and individual awareness of body language. This is a much more powerful technique as body language is highly culture dependent, and unless you are a true expert, you can actually do more harm than good with generalizations. As a matter of fact a picture showing a "power" gesture in one language could mean the opposite in another culture. Another example is "eye contact". While in the western culture this can mean interest and attention, in some other cultures it can be considered disrespectful and in some cultures is to be avoided. So, please be careful in your interpretation of body language across cultures, you might be really really wrong. In most situations though, the cues received are fairly consistent, especially when they denote agreement or disagreement. In general the approach I am using is not completely unrelated to a technique taught in theater and acting schools called "Method Acting". Essentially, in method acting the acting students are asked to actively recall the emotional context of a situation they experienced personally (something happy, something sad, an agression, a shock .. ). This active recollection then serves them to elicit the emotional state, facial expressions, gestures, body posture, tone of voice and actual language modifications they will use in a stage performance. We can use the same technique to both prepare and analyze communication situations.
The chapter is structured along the following 10 very typical communication situations both from an initiating and from a responding perspective: (1) entrance, (2) introduction, (3) informal conversation, (4) topic presentation, (5) discussion, (6) debate, (7) conflict, (8) de-escalation, (9) feedback (10) exit
1. Entrance
Imagine, or better, remember, a situation where you are sitting at a conference table in a large meeting room. The meeting is in progress and a person enters the room. You actually have no context as to who the person is but are performing instant judgement on the person based on their timing and mode of entry. Now that you have this situation in active consciousness, what can you decide about your next entry into a situation. Think about the timing of your entry. Are you keeping your head up or down as you walk to the table? Do you walk quickly or are you hesitating at the door? Are you making eye contact with everyone in the room as you enter? There is no "right" or "wrong" here, as the situations can vary strongly based on the level of community you have with the folks in the room. Just develop an awareness of your "stage entrance" and keep coming back to this survival guide.
2. Introduction
Similar to situation number 1, try to remember a situation about when someone introduced themselves to you. What did you like or dislike about the situation? Did they respect your status in the situation? Did they seem distracted or focus on you and the process of introduction? Was there a hand shake? What do you remember about it? Try to use this information your have now "front of mind" to plan for your next introduction to someone.
3. Informal Conversation
By now you should have "groked" the process I am using. As you recall a pleasant, informal conversation of the recent past, ask yourself the following questions. What made this conversation so pleasant? Where did the other person sit or stand relative to you? Did they respect your personal space? Did they show genuine interest in what you had to say by keeping an open posture relative to you or did their eyes and head "wander". Did they turn their bodies at an angle to you? What were the signs that they actually where following what you were saying? A nod? A smile at the right moment. A frown as you relate something that worried you. As you become aware of this, you might even notive the about 1 in 100 people that are actually "reading your lips" as you speak, sometimes even silently "re-speaking" what you are saying. An interesting effect to observe. As you plan for making a good impression the next time you have an informal conversation, remember these insights. This will also help you raise your awareness of your "gut feeling" relative to these kind of situations.
4. Topic Presentation
"Rinse and repeat" the above process. In the case of topic presentations you will notice that attention is held and information is held more efficiently if the presenter makes eye contact with the audience. If you have the ability to move on a stage, restless pacing will convey insecurity, while a purposeful use of the space available will convey "mastery" of the situation. Always pick a person in the audience you are presenting to "personally" in that moment, for a moment. As they acknowledge that they are listening to you, make eye contact, and pick another person in the room. Pick, acknowledge, shift, move, pick, shift, move. It will do miracles to the perception of your prowess as a presenter.
5. Discussion
As you get better in this process, we can move through the topics more rapidly. In a discussion, ensure that you keep an open stance to the person presenting their point of view. Watch for arms crossed in front of the chest, or crossed behind the neck or head. These are not "open" gestures, neither is a fist. Lean forward, or stay neutral, leaning back in your seat signals reservation. To stay an signal an open stance, focus on the person that is making a point. If you are trying to form an alliance, focus on the reaction of the person that you are trying to form an alliance with. Everyone in the room will notice this subconsciously and realize there is an alliance between you and the person you are focusing on.
6. Debate
Sometimes discussions can evolve into debates when positions are presented and defended. Recall a recent debate. Did you watch out for the body language of the people that were in favor or against a certain position. What do you want to convey with your body language. How do you do that?
7. Conflict
Open conflict is easy to spot. Voices are raised. Skin tone is flushed, breathing is agitated, movements are faster. Fists are formed. Arms are crossed. Eyes are darting nervously or shooting "death rays". It is much more difficult to spot the hidden conflict. Once you become more attuned to your own body language in a conflict, you will have an easier time to spot the tell tale signs such as avoidance of eye contact. Remember next time if you are in a conflict situation to make some notes about what you noted in the situation. Discuss with your coach/mentor/advisor.
8. De-Escalation
If you need to de-escalate a communication situation quickly, there is no better tool than to physically step back and to raise both hands with a show of open palms, and silence. Remember that our reptile brain takes over in conflicts and logic and rational thought is suspended for the time being. The reptile brain will, however, respond automatically and intuititvely to respect of status (step back, silence, lower your head), increase of certainty (open palms, no aggression in sight) increase of autonomy (silence, no shouting match). Once these three factors are de-escalated from a threat status to "neutral", relationship and fairness factors can come into play again. Remember SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness). Note: this will probably not help in a situation where there is a threat of physical violence. The best advice here is to exit.
9. Feedback
Back to our technique. Remember a situation where someone has given you feedback in a way you were able to accept and appreciate. What was the setup? Did they leave you enough personal space? How did your SCARF evaluation go? Try to use this information as you plan your next situation where you are trying to give feedback to someone. Avoid aggressive or debate overtones and stance. Match their posture and stance of the other person to build rapport and ease tension. Deliver the feedback leaning forward (interest in the other person), and then go back to neutral to get feedback on your feedback. On the converse, when you are asking for feedback, be truly open to actually get feedback, not just praise. Watch for any of your telltale signs of disappointment if the feedback is not as expected. Obvious disappointment in your face and posture will subconsciously "shut down" the other persons flow of feedback. Now they will not give you honest feedback but a "sugar coated" message, which will not help you grow. So if you want feedback, prepare to "take it as it comes".
10. Exit
We all have heard the adage: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression". That might be true. But your exit from a situation is a perfect chance to "destroy" a good impression, or to repair a bad initial impression. Your exit from a situation or meeting can be as important as your arrival. Take time for your exit, don't rush out. Be sure to thank the host, collect your belongings without hurry, make a commitment to follow up, bid farewell to the remaining attendess (a short nod can do) and exit with purpose.
I hope the above structure will help you raise your awareness of body language in your daily interactions. As an exercise, start with situation number 1 this week and make a conscious point of planning and observing the "entrance" situation and see what you can derive from it. If this subject has intrigued you, you can take any of the 100's of classes or trainings available on body language. At the end of the day, if your awareness is not "up" these trainings will do you no good. So, work on your "up time", and you will see results quickly.
The chapter is structured along the following 10 very typical communication situations both from an initiating and from a responding perspective: (1) entrance, (2) introduction, (3) informal conversation, (4) topic presentation, (5) discussion, (6) debate, (7) conflict, (8) de-escalation, (9) feedback (10) exit
1. Entrance
Imagine, or better, remember, a situation where you are sitting at a conference table in a large meeting room. The meeting is in progress and a person enters the room. You actually have no context as to who the person is but are performing instant judgement on the person based on their timing and mode of entry. Now that you have this situation in active consciousness, what can you decide about your next entry into a situation. Think about the timing of your entry. Are you keeping your head up or down as you walk to the table? Do you walk quickly or are you hesitating at the door? Are you making eye contact with everyone in the room as you enter? There is no "right" or "wrong" here, as the situations can vary strongly based on the level of community you have with the folks in the room. Just develop an awareness of your "stage entrance" and keep coming back to this survival guide.
2. Introduction
Similar to situation number 1, try to remember a situation about when someone introduced themselves to you. What did you like or dislike about the situation? Did they respect your status in the situation? Did they seem distracted or focus on you and the process of introduction? Was there a hand shake? What do you remember about it? Try to use this information your have now "front of mind" to plan for your next introduction to someone.
3. Informal Conversation
By now you should have "groked" the process I am using. As you recall a pleasant, informal conversation of the recent past, ask yourself the following questions. What made this conversation so pleasant? Where did the other person sit or stand relative to you? Did they respect your personal space? Did they show genuine interest in what you had to say by keeping an open posture relative to you or did their eyes and head "wander". Did they turn their bodies at an angle to you? What were the signs that they actually where following what you were saying? A nod? A smile at the right moment. A frown as you relate something that worried you. As you become aware of this, you might even notive the about 1 in 100 people that are actually "reading your lips" as you speak, sometimes even silently "re-speaking" what you are saying. An interesting effect to observe. As you plan for making a good impression the next time you have an informal conversation, remember these insights. This will also help you raise your awareness of your "gut feeling" relative to these kind of situations.
4. Topic Presentation
"Rinse and repeat" the above process. In the case of topic presentations you will notice that attention is held and information is held more efficiently if the presenter makes eye contact with the audience. If you have the ability to move on a stage, restless pacing will convey insecurity, while a purposeful use of the space available will convey "mastery" of the situation. Always pick a person in the audience you are presenting to "personally" in that moment, for a moment. As they acknowledge that they are listening to you, make eye contact, and pick another person in the room. Pick, acknowledge, shift, move, pick, shift, move. It will do miracles to the perception of your prowess as a presenter.
5. Discussion
As you get better in this process, we can move through the topics more rapidly. In a discussion, ensure that you keep an open stance to the person presenting their point of view. Watch for arms crossed in front of the chest, or crossed behind the neck or head. These are not "open" gestures, neither is a fist. Lean forward, or stay neutral, leaning back in your seat signals reservation. To stay an signal an open stance, focus on the person that is making a point. If you are trying to form an alliance, focus on the reaction of the person that you are trying to form an alliance with. Everyone in the room will notice this subconsciously and realize there is an alliance between you and the person you are focusing on.
6. Debate
Sometimes discussions can evolve into debates when positions are presented and defended. Recall a recent debate. Did you watch out for the body language of the people that were in favor or against a certain position. What do you want to convey with your body language. How do you do that?
7. Conflict
Open conflict is easy to spot. Voices are raised. Skin tone is flushed, breathing is agitated, movements are faster. Fists are formed. Arms are crossed. Eyes are darting nervously or shooting "death rays". It is much more difficult to spot the hidden conflict. Once you become more attuned to your own body language in a conflict, you will have an easier time to spot the tell tale signs such as avoidance of eye contact. Remember next time if you are in a conflict situation to make some notes about what you noted in the situation. Discuss with your coach/mentor/advisor.
8. De-Escalation
If you need to de-escalate a communication situation quickly, there is no better tool than to physically step back and to raise both hands with a show of open palms, and silence. Remember that our reptile brain takes over in conflicts and logic and rational thought is suspended for the time being. The reptile brain will, however, respond automatically and intuititvely to respect of status (step back, silence, lower your head), increase of certainty (open palms, no aggression in sight) increase of autonomy (silence, no shouting match). Once these three factors are de-escalated from a threat status to "neutral", relationship and fairness factors can come into play again. Remember SCARF (Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, Fairness). Note: this will probably not help in a situation where there is a threat of physical violence. The best advice here is to exit.
9. Feedback
Back to our technique. Remember a situation where someone has given you feedback in a way you were able to accept and appreciate. What was the setup? Did they leave you enough personal space? How did your SCARF evaluation go? Try to use this information as you plan your next situation where you are trying to give feedback to someone. Avoid aggressive or debate overtones and stance. Match their posture and stance of the other person to build rapport and ease tension. Deliver the feedback leaning forward (interest in the other person), and then go back to neutral to get feedback on your feedback. On the converse, when you are asking for feedback, be truly open to actually get feedback, not just praise. Watch for any of your telltale signs of disappointment if the feedback is not as expected. Obvious disappointment in your face and posture will subconsciously "shut down" the other persons flow of feedback. Now they will not give you honest feedback but a "sugar coated" message, which will not help you grow. So if you want feedback, prepare to "take it as it comes".
10. Exit
We all have heard the adage: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression". That might be true. But your exit from a situation is a perfect chance to "destroy" a good impression, or to repair a bad initial impression. Your exit from a situation or meeting can be as important as your arrival. Take time for your exit, don't rush out. Be sure to thank the host, collect your belongings without hurry, make a commitment to follow up, bid farewell to the remaining attendess (a short nod can do) and exit with purpose.
I hope the above structure will help you raise your awareness of body language in your daily interactions. As an exercise, start with situation number 1 this week and make a conscious point of planning and observing the "entrance" situation and see what you can derive from it. If this subject has intrigued you, you can take any of the 100's of classes or trainings available on body language. At the end of the day, if your awareness is not "up" these trainings will do you no good. So, work on your "up time", and you will see results quickly.
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