Community is the first key to Understanding and Agreement. As explained in the introductory chapters, the term community in this context refers to the fact that no comm-u-nication can be achieved unless there is comm-u-nality of a substantial number of factors in place. Language is, of course the first common factor to be considered. And, when reading books or attending classes about communication, you will usually see a large emphasis on talking and the use of written language. I feel this view is much to narrow and will not be sufficient to achieve a substantial improvement in communication effectiveness.
Lets explore the term community in a bit more depth. Communities tend to form around similarities or affinities towards common attributes or characteristics. These factors can include location (villages, neighborhoods, ..), occupation (carpenters, lawyers, ..), interests (sports, reading ..), culture (ethnicity, traditions, ..) etc. As you have probably experienced in your day to day interactions, it is substantially easier to communicate if such commonalities are understood and established. To some extent one could say communication improves if you can "walk in the shoes" of the other person.
"Well", you might think, "this is all fine and good, but how does that help me in my day to day communications?"
There are 2 exercises I would like for you to use in the next several weeks to learn more about this aspect and to build out your skill level. If you have already picked your mentor or adviser (see chapter 11), make sure you discuss this with him or her. One of the exercises is active, the other one is passive. Let's start with the passive exercise.
Community exercise 1: Cultural Awareness
As often as you can, preferably once a day, pick a situation where you can observe a communication being established or in progress. Make some mental notes of some of the things you will observe:
- greeting and introduction rituals in different communities / cultures
- use of special jargon / keywords / hand signs within a specific community
- the matching body posture of people in a dialog that have already established rapport
- the opposing or diverging body language and posture of people who are not in "flow"
- "mind reading", i.e. the practice where one person finishes off the sentences of the other person
- group building when people of an established community react to a "newcomer"
...
The goal here is to build up your awareness of how much commonalities are actually implicitly assumed when starting a communication. The most common mistake many people make when establishing a communication is to assume the other person to be like themselves. The more you become aware of the actual differences of communication cultures in different communities, there more flexibility you will develop in your approach to establishing a communication flow. This "passive" exercise prepares you for exercise number 2, which is an active exercise.
Community Exercise 2: Cultural Flexibility
Once you have amplified your cultural awareness of the different commonalities that facilitate communication you can try the active exercise. The exercise consists in picking a communication that you can actively prepare for, such as meeting a new person, meeting an old friend, or a colleague. This can also include a feedback discussion with a team member or a performance review with your manager. As you prepare, go through the following checklist:
- What is the preferred communication model of the other person (formal, informal, 1:1 vs. group)
- What do you have in common with the person?
- What question can you ask about them that establishes that commonality?
- What are the differences you have observed or found about the other person?
- What do these differences mean in terms of the goal you have for the interaction?
- How can you adjust your communication style and tools to make it closer to the style of the interaction partner?
Note: Please don't overdo the preparation, unless you are a private detective or a CIA operative. This is just to mentally prepare for the communication and increase your awareness in the interaction.
As you complete the first rounds of exercise 1 and 2, you will probably observe that they are actually 2 sides of the same coin. You will probably also observe, that the more you pay attention to the cultural aspects of the communication, the more you respect the community of the other person, the more easy the communication will flow. A question I often get when talking about the community gate is:
Question: This is for one-on-one communication and personal interaction. How does this apply to giving a speech, writing a paper or sending an email?
Answer: Once you think about it you will see that this chapter and these 2 exercises can apply to individuals or entire groups. Granted, you cannot observe the cultural rituals of someone at the other end of an email chain, but you can increase your awareness of potential cultural bias in your communication, and increase the awareness of any community established traditions or rituals in the target group of your communication.
It is important to note that these exercises are not created to do once and then forget. As we walk through the 7 gates of Understanding and Agreement in this book, you will see how the individual gates and exercises are actually interacting and re-enforcing one another. And you will observe that these exercises will increase your ability to establish community and "flow" more easily.
The next gate we will address is the gate of "Intention"
Lets explore the term community in a bit more depth. Communities tend to form around similarities or affinities towards common attributes or characteristics. These factors can include location (villages, neighborhoods, ..), occupation (carpenters, lawyers, ..), interests (sports, reading ..), culture (ethnicity, traditions, ..) etc. As you have probably experienced in your day to day interactions, it is substantially easier to communicate if such commonalities are understood and established. To some extent one could say communication improves if you can "walk in the shoes" of the other person.
"Well", you might think, "this is all fine and good, but how does that help me in my day to day communications?"
There are 2 exercises I would like for you to use in the next several weeks to learn more about this aspect and to build out your skill level. If you have already picked your mentor or adviser (see chapter 11), make sure you discuss this with him or her. One of the exercises is active, the other one is passive. Let's start with the passive exercise.
Community exercise 1: Cultural Awareness
As often as you can, preferably once a day, pick a situation where you can observe a communication being established or in progress. Make some mental notes of some of the things you will observe:
- greeting and introduction rituals in different communities / cultures
- use of special jargon / keywords / hand signs within a specific community
- the matching body posture of people in a dialog that have already established rapport
- the opposing or diverging body language and posture of people who are not in "flow"
- "mind reading", i.e. the practice where one person finishes off the sentences of the other person
- group building when people of an established community react to a "newcomer"
...
The goal here is to build up your awareness of how much commonalities are actually implicitly assumed when starting a communication. The most common mistake many people make when establishing a communication is to assume the other person to be like themselves. The more you become aware of the actual differences of communication cultures in different communities, there more flexibility you will develop in your approach to establishing a communication flow. This "passive" exercise prepares you for exercise number 2, which is an active exercise.
Community Exercise 2: Cultural Flexibility
Once you have amplified your cultural awareness of the different commonalities that facilitate communication you can try the active exercise. The exercise consists in picking a communication that you can actively prepare for, such as meeting a new person, meeting an old friend, or a colleague. This can also include a feedback discussion with a team member or a performance review with your manager. As you prepare, go through the following checklist:
- What is the preferred communication model of the other person (formal, informal, 1:1 vs. group)
- What do you have in common with the person?
- What question can you ask about them that establishes that commonality?
- What are the differences you have observed or found about the other person?
- What do these differences mean in terms of the goal you have for the interaction?
- How can you adjust your communication style and tools to make it closer to the style of the interaction partner?
Note: Please don't overdo the preparation, unless you are a private detective or a CIA operative. This is just to mentally prepare for the communication and increase your awareness in the interaction.
As you complete the first rounds of exercise 1 and 2, you will probably observe that they are actually 2 sides of the same coin. You will probably also observe, that the more you pay attention to the cultural aspects of the communication, the more you respect the community of the other person, the more easy the communication will flow. A question I often get when talking about the community gate is:
Question: This is for one-on-one communication and personal interaction. How does this apply to giving a speech, writing a paper or sending an email?
Answer: Once you think about it you will see that this chapter and these 2 exercises can apply to individuals or entire groups. Granted, you cannot observe the cultural rituals of someone at the other end of an email chain, but you can increase your awareness of potential cultural bias in your communication, and increase the awareness of any community established traditions or rituals in the target group of your communication.
It is important to note that these exercises are not created to do once and then forget. As we walk through the 7 gates of Understanding and Agreement in this book, you will see how the individual gates and exercises are actually interacting and re-enforcing one another. And you will observe that these exercises will increase your ability to establish community and "flow" more easily.
The next gate we will address is the gate of "Intention"
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